The Simpsons quotes, page 22 ... TV Quotes Database

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S5Homer Goes to College

[Homer, Bart and the nerds have captured Sir Oinkcelot]

Homer

Look! You pull its tail straight and it curls right back up again! [He begins pulling the pig's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [Sir Oinkcelot starts squealing in agony]

Doug

Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that.

Homer

Of course he does! He's a cute little piggy! [Continues pulling Sir Oinkcelot's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [The pig viciously bites Homer on his hand] OW!! [turns red with anger] WHY YOU LITTLE...! [Homer lunges at Sir Oinkcelot, but Bart and the nerds restrain him]

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Homer

Hello, Dean? You're a stupid-head!

PPeterson

[looks out the window] Homer, is that you?

[Homer screams and flees the payphone]

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Homer

YES! Take that, Bitterman!

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Homer

[sees Snake Jailbird] Hey, that's not the wallet inspector.

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PProfessor

Good morning, and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying: "Out with the old, in with the nucleus" [Every student in the class except Homer bursts out with laughter] Now, let's just get started on the- whoops. [He drops his lecture notes, this time Homer explodes with laughter]

Homer

Oh, did you see that jerk! He dropped his notes! [Homer continues laughing obnoxiously loud]

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S5Rosebud

SSmithers

Who's Bobo, sir?

Mr. Burns

Bobo? Oh I meant Lobo, uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have cancelled that show. What were they thinking?

SSmithers

Oh, I see. On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.

Mr. Burns

I won't get what I really want.

SSmithers

No one does.

[Smithers briefly imagines Burns popping out of a cake naked and wearing only a sash like Marilyn Monroe]

FBFantasy Mr. Burns

[singing] Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers...

SSmithers

[smiles] Mmmm...

[At the Simpsons' house, Homer is tossing and turning in his sleep]

Homer

Lobo...Lobo... Bring back Sheriff Lobo!

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[Homer is doing comedy at Burns' party.]

Homer

Are you ready to laugh?

MIMan in Audience

Ugh, that poor dog.

Homer

I said, are you ready to laugh?!

WIWoman in Audience

Quiet, you awful man!

Homer

You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap--

Mr. Burns

What?

Homer

Er, I mean you know, Mr. Burns is so old--

Mr. Burns

[pounds the table] How dare you!

Homer

Whoa! Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns... [clears throat] Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find, a little "cheeky".

[Homer moons the crowd, revealing a face painted on his buttocks; everyone in the audience gasps]

Homer

[mockingly] I'm Mr. Burns, blah, blah, blah! Do this, do that, blah, blah, blah! I think I'm so big, blah blah blaaah!

Mr. Burns

Destroy him. [one of Burns' security staff whacks Homer over the head with a baton, leaving him unconscious] This party is over. [the security staff start attacking other party guests at random]

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[After Mr. Burns' party, Homer is nursing the lump on his head he got during his comedy act at Burns' party]

Homer

Aw, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.

Lisa

I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Marge

Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.

Bart

Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please, don't deny the world your fat can.

Homer

Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.

Lisa

I knew it.

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[Smithers and Mr. Burns are crawling across the ceiling of the Simpson home, using suction cups. They freeze when Homer walks to the refrigerator]

Homer

Mmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. [sits at the table and begins eating one at a time] 64...63...[Time passes to morning] 2...1.

Marge

[entering] Have you been up all night eating cheese?

Homer

I think I'm blind.

[Smithers and Mr. Burns fall the the floor and get up]

Mr. Burns

Good day to you.

[They both leave]

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BDBarney The Dinosaur

Two plus two is four... two plus two is four... two plus two is four.

Homer

Hehehe. I can see why this is so popular.

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S5Treehouse of Horror IV

[first lines]

Bart

[walking in front of a set of paintings] Paintings: Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell! So scary and horrible...

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[Devil Ned has give Homer an enchanted doughnut.]

Homer

Oooh!

Devil Ned

Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...

[Homer has already scarfed the doughnut, except for one small piece.]

Homer

Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?

Devil Ned

Well, technically, no, but...

Homer

[sing-song] I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev--

[Devil Ned angrily transforms into a huge, red demon.]

Devil

[deep voice] YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON!!

[He vanishes into the floor. Homer smugly puts the last doughnut piece into his pocket.]

Homer

Not likely. He, he, he.

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[In Hell Labs Ironic Punishment Division, Homer is strapped to a chair where a blue demon arrives]

BDBlue Demon

So, you like donuts, eh?

Homer

Uh-huh.

BDBlue Demon

Well! Have all the donuts in the world!

[He starts laughing as Homer is force fed donuts. 15 minutes later, it's revealed that this torture has backfired as Homer still hasn't had enough.]

Homer

More.

BDBlue Demon

I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.

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Devil Ned

I give you the Jury of the Damned: Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon.

RNRichard Nixon

But I’m not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.

Devil Ned

Hey, listen, I did a favor for you.

RNRichard Nixon