The Simpsons quotes

My life was over. I'd lost my job, my husband left me. I had to sleep in a kangaroo's pouch. And then I found... The Answer. SECRET DON'T VISIT OUR WEBSITE The Answer was discovered by the philosophers of ancient Greece, who hid it under a rock where it was discovered by the knights of King Arthur, who placed it in a bottle and set it in the ocean, where it was found by Pat Sajak. These great men knew The Answer. The Answer is the secret to achieving your heart's desire. Learn The Answer, and change your life. Available wherever dubious, quasi-scientific self-help books are sold.

Bart

Well, Mrs. K, I have just the book, slash, DVD for you: The Answer. This book uses the ancient power of wanting.

[in front of the class] You're children. Why do you all need cell phones?

Safety.

Emergencies.

Safety.

Educational.

Edna please! Even the Union can't protect you from this.

[To Mr. Largo] Give me one night, Dewey. I'll get you off Broadway..

[Horrified] Never!

Principal Skinner

[Holds Mrs, Krabappel's hand] Edna, let's go.

Bart

[To Mrs. Krabappel] I was the one who put liquor on your coffee and got you fired. [chuckles]

[shocked] You did What?!

Bart

Please, don't kill me!

Lisa

This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but Dad, can't you control your woman?

Homer

How can I control her? I have nothing to withhold.

Marge

Call me a killjoy, but I think that because this is not to my taste, no one else should be able to enjoy it.

Come on, come on, get back on your feet, I believe in you!

Barney

[climbing the bar from the tavern floor] I'm doing it Moe!

Not you.

Barney

Oh thank god! – the pressure's off. [falls back down]

Homer

Out of all the stupidest things I've ever done, this is the stupidest. And you're doing it!

Homer

She found my one weakness... that I'm weak!

Homer

Carl, do you know heavyweight champion, Drederick Tatum?

Carl

What, you think just because I'm black I know all other black people?!

Homer

uh...um, well, uh.

Carl

Actually, Drederick and I are very good friends. We met through Dr. Hibbert at a party at Bleeding Gums Murphy's house.

Lisa

[sees a decapitated head of Mrs. Hoover] You killed her?

Bart

Right, like we agreed.

Lisa

I never said "kill"!

Bart

Yeah, 'cause you're smart. You don't say "kill," you say "prank." Like Mom and Dad say "snuggle" when what they really mean is "let's lock the door and hug."

Lisa

Well, I didn't kill Mrs. Krabappel!

Bart

So, all you did was ring her doorbell and run?

Lisa

Yeah, "ding dong ditch".

Bart

"Ding dong ditch" means you kill her. Then you throw that ding dong into a ditch.

Kent Brockman

I'm here at Krustyburger for the launch of the highly anticipated "Burger Squared." Krusty, what can you tell us about this fantastic new sandwich?

Krusty

I'm glad you asked, Kent. We start with Grade A beef, feed that to other cows, then kill them and serve the unholy results on a seven-grain bun. Burger Squared!

Homer

The math checks out!

Lisa

Cows eating cows?! That's an abomination!

Marge

Now, Lisa, you're a vegetarian, but these cows have made a different choice.

Kent Brockman

And now, this lucky reporter will be the first human to sample this delicious crime against nature. Mmm. Juicy, flavorful, with just a hint of... [changes into a Muncher and takes a bite out of Krusty's elbow]

Krusty

Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid... [Krusty also becomes a Muncher. Kent kills a camera technician and then kills the camera man]

Lisa

[gasps] what.. What happened?

Bart

I... I don't know!