The Simpsons quotes

Homer

Did you see that? I did the deed, open up!

[reading a newspaper] Oh I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.

Homer

Hey! I thought you guys could see everything!

No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Homer

Well, I'll be damned.

I'm afraid so, yes. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to hell & the sees the Devil standing behind him]

Homer

I am Homer Simpson--

Devil

Silence, sinner! Prepare for an eternity of horrible pain!

Homer

[as the Devil advances on him] Oh no...! [Devil starts giving Homer a noogie]

Devil

Ha-ha! [continues to Homer, as Homer cries in pain] Oh, be quiet. You'll wake up John Wayne.

[appearing from a nearby cave] I'm already up.

Your majesty! You're free at last!

They made me do tricks like a common seal!

Arr, I'm the Sea Captain. Arr. [both laughing]

[Takes a drink while swimming at night] Mmmm. Alcohol and night swimming. It's a winning combination!

[in high child's voice] Snorky speak man... [coughs, deep voice] I'm sorry, Let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins lived on the land.

What did he say!

Carl

He said years ago dolphins used to lived on the land.

[surprised] What?

Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we suffered for millions of years.

Marge

But you seemed so happy in the ocean. All that playful leaping...

We were trying to get out! It's cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.

Lisa

Plus all that sewage we keep dumping.

[gasps] That was you?

Homer

It was her alright. [holds up Lisa] Take the one who wronged you!

I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans to the sea!

Pushy Dolphins. I don't like that. [etc.]

I... I tuned out. Where are we going?

Kang

Can you believe it, Kodos? They left us out of the Halloween show.

Kodos

Are you sure the space phone is working? [Kang tried it] Hang up, they could be trying to call right now!

Kang

I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket.

Kodos

Kang and Kodos Productions. Uh-huh. Yes. Just a second. Do we want to do a commercial for something called, "Old Navy?"

Kang

[shrugs] Ehh, work is work.

Homer stole our rock performers! That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.

Bart

C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.

Lisa

Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.

Bart

[hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...

Lisa

Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.

Bart

Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]

Lisa

That says corn, Bart.

Bart

Must you embarrass me?

Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.

Homer

Area code? But it's a local call!

Marge

The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 6-3-6 area code, and our half gets 9-3-9.

Homer

9-3-9!? What the hell is that!!?? Oh, my life is ruined!

Marge

Geez, you just have to remember three extra numbers.

Homer

Oh, if only it were that easy Marge.

Kent Brockman

[about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"

Homer

Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.

Bart

You come here a minute!

Homer

Oh yeah?

Homer

[confused] Is that right?

Marge

Homer, what are you doing?

Homer

Listen, do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast?

Marge

Well, like all Americans, fast, but--

Bart

[lights the fuse] Clear!

Marge

You can't argue with results!

Marge

So, Mr. King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?

Oh, I don't feel like writing horror right now.

Marge

Oh, that's too bad.

I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity, [menacingly, as dark clouds gather] and used it to torture small animals and green mountain men! And that key he tied to the end of a kite? [thunderclap] IT OPENED THE GATES OF HELL!

Marge

Well, let me know when you get back to horror.

[cheerfully] Will do! [Writes a note: Call Marge, Re: horror]

Marge

Look, Maggie, Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon".

"Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon." [children listening slowly back away terrified] Please, children, scootch closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scootching. You in the red, chop-chop.

Homer

Dear Lord, bless this humble meal, and do you hear about Krusty? Whoo, man! I knew he was a player but, jeez, a kid!

Marge

Homer, that's not a prayer, that's gossip.

Homer

Fine, I'll discuss heavenly matters. [to God] So how's Maude Flanders doing up there? Is she playing the field? Oh, yeah, really? All those guys? [family stares at him in shock] Amen. [starts eating]