South Park quotes

Alright, everyone. Listen up. As you all know, we've been looking for a strong woman to take on the role of vice principal at this school. We couldn't be happier with the selection we've made and we're sure she'll be making our school a better place. So with that let me turn over the floor to our new vice principal, Strong Woman. [applause all around]

Thanks everyone. Alright, listen up. [gathers her papers up] I fully appreciate that some of you might be uncomfortable with me being here. Earlier today, I noticed that some faculty weren't sure whether to call me "Miss Woman" or just "Strong." If I were a man, you'd probably address me as Vice Principal Woman, so why should it be any different, huh? We good?

Uhm'kay.

So I've been getting to know some of the students here and I'm definitely hearing a lot of frustration and confusion over issues that all the schools are facing right now. I also spent some time observing in the cafeteria and was pretty shocked by the abusive and intolerant language. [as she speaks, Hootie & The Blowfish's "Hold My Hand" begins to play in PC Principal's head] Not sure if any of you have noticed, but a lot of the girls are eating their lunches out on the playground to avoid being around the toxic environment that's been created. It's my intention to make the cafeteria... P.E. class is another huge problem at this school. The girls' gym outfits seem not to have been updated since the '60s. We have a lot of work to do here. I intend to do it quickly. [in PC Principal's mind, everything around her fades out and all he sees is her against a pink background with hearts everywhere, soon replaced by flowers and leaves, then a blue sky with clouds]

Excuse me uh, I'm sorry, but uh, is anyone else hearing Hootie & The Blowfish like, very very softly?

Yeah, yeah, I hear it.

[rises and walks towards PC Principal] It's, it's coming from over here somewhere.

E-excuse me everyone, I um, I need to get to the restroom. Sorry, I'll be right back. [rushes out the door, and the song disappears with him]

Heidi

Shut up, Kyle. You sound like your mom.

Kyle

[on the phone with Mr. Garrison as Donald Trump] Yes, This is Millennials Against Canada.

Yeah, listen, this thing's kind of escalating. You people need to call it quits.

Kyle

We can't do that, Mr. President. Someone has to do what's right.

What exactly do you want?

Kyle

What do I want? I want a world... where laughter doesn't come at someone else's expense. Where people can live freely without fear of being farted on. I want a world where you aren't ridiculed for trying to help. A world where a nice girl that I liked isn't turned into another Eric Cartman! These Canadians are in the way of that world, and everything they do and everything they have done needs to be ERASED from the Earth!

Jeez, I got a little chub.

[comforting Tweek] There there, Tweek. Everything is going to be okay.

I saw what I saw, Craig! You have to believe me!

Stan

What's going on?

Tweek's having a panic attack.

It was real! He tried to get me!

Kyle

Who did?

The President!

It's just your imagination, Tweek.

Stan

It's not his imagination. I saw him too.

Kyle

You saw the President?

Stan

Out by the quarry. But I didn't believe it. I said, "How could this be?"

Heidi

"The President?" I saw him too. He had a blue suit and an orange face. He kept asking me "How are my ap-"

Token

"How are my approval ratings?" I saw him too.

Stan

Dude, isn't this all really familiar? I saw something just like this on that show called Stranger-

Stranger Things. Stranger Things is the show. I saw it too.

But wait, isn't Stranger Things just like that movie-?

Cartman

Just like that movie IT.

You saw IT too?

Cartman

Yeah, I saw IT in the theater.

Token

I saw Stranger Things and IT.

Jesus, I don't think anyone's imagining anything. I think the President IS here. You kids get inside somewhere. I have to warn the town! [gets on his bike and rides off, only to fall on his face] Aw!

Heidi

[takes the gun out of Robert's hand and aims it at Cartman; enraged] You piece of shit! This was all your fault! You controlled me, and manipulated me, and turned me into this!

Cartman

[with his hands up] Baby, put down the gun, sweetheart, okay?

Heidi

I used to be kind! I used to be caring! But then you... you... [realizes] No. Not you. Me. I did this. I let being a victim become a way of life. If you always make yourself the victim, you can justify being awful. Eric... I'm sorry. I'm breaking up with you.

Cartman

Honey, don't be ridiculous.

Heidi

I've been ridiculous. I have to learn to stop feeling sorry for myself.

Cartman

Heidi, you are not breaking up with me.

Heidi

Yes, I am. It's over.

Cartman

I'm afraid I can't let you do that, sweetheart! [takes the gun out of her hands and points it to his head, threatening to kill himself] Step back! I'll do it, I swear to God!

Heidi

It's not gonna work this time, Eric.

Cartman

You break up with me, I will kill myself! The choice is yours, Heidi! Come on everybody! "Eric, we don't want you to die."

Heidi

I'm sorry. You can be the victim. I can't.

I want you all to take a close look at your math exams, children. Some of you did very well, but many of you did not.

Cartman

[disappointed as he received an F] Aw, man!

The addition of fractions is very simple. Let's run through it again. How do we solve this first one?

Butters

[raises his hand] Add together the 3 and the 3!

Good, Butters. We add the 3's together. And what about the 4's? Token?

Token

They're the denominators, so they stay a 4.

Stan

Some kid shot up the school.

Who shot up the schoo-- was it you?

Stan

No.

Did you get shot?

Stan

No.

Oh... [goes back to cutting his steak] Well, what's this about failing a math quiz?

[pounds the table, angrily] Are you serious?! Did you not hear what your child said?! Kids died at his school!

I'm sorry, Sharon. I...

Why are you all acting like this is normal?! What is wrong with you people?! [storms upstairs]

Stan

What's up Mom's ass?

[entering] Hey, Sharon. You doing okay?

No, I'm not okay! Children were shot! They were killed at a school where they were supposed to be safe!

Uh-huh, and... what else is going on?

Why does there need to be anything else?! [in unison] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

[in unison] I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Sharon.

Why isn't anyone else emotional?!

Hon, uh… when was your last… I mean, you know how sometimes things can seem like a little bigger deal 'cause, you know, you're… down there?

Don't you dare suggest that I'm only emotional because it's…

I'm… I'm just… I'm just pointing out that it is around that time.

GET OUT, RANDY! I'm not overreacting!

Thanks for coming, everybody. I'm sure you all heard there was yet another school shooting today. We have to figure out what we're going to do as parents, because this whole thing is out of control! We have to ask ourselves why this is happening and do something now!

Well, you know, Sharon, I think... it s a complex issue, you know. It's... it's not really as simple as just... [Randy perks up and begins signing to him furiously; It basically amounts to "Stop! Stop! It's Sharon! She's menstruating!"] What I'm saying is that, that with issues like this, sometimes you have to be kind of... [begins to see what Randy is doing: "she's touched in the head"] crazy?

What are you talking about? [Randy pulls out a red handkerchief and pretends it's a bloody tampon] Do you understand that our children are being murdered?

Red?

How much closer to home can this all hit? [Randy continues signing: "She's menstruating heavily and it's driving her crazy."] It was at our children's school!

[still not getting it] Crazy time. Crazy red time.

[stops in his tracks as Sharon notices] I agree with my wife.

Well, there certainly are things that need changing. Just yesterday, I was at the park with my son Craig and... have you seen the state of the playground equipment? Not only does it seem unsafe, but it's become quite an eyesore.

The whole park could use an upgrade, if you ask me. It's become a camp out for the homeless.

[now irked and enraged, screaming at the top of her lungs] ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING?! YOU'RE GONNA TAKE ONE SECOND TO COMPARE CHILD MURDER TO PARK UPGRADES?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYBODY?! YOU'VE ALL GONE CRAZY! [furiously goes upstairs]

[sees Randy outside the window; irritated] GOD DAMN IT! [angrily exits the therapist's office and gets into Randy's face] Stop acting like there's something wrong with me! Something's wrong with you, all of you!! Try having some goddamn compassion!

You did everything you could, Mr. Marsh. If your wife can't realize the truth and appreciate you, maybe she never will.

Realize what?! What have you been telling everybody, Randy?!

Randy was just trying to make you feel loved while you're going through menopause.

Menopause?! I'm not going through fucking menopause!

How do you know?

I just got my period this morning!

You... you got your period?

YES!

You just got your period this morning?

YES!

So, the past few days, maybe you have been just a little-

NO! NO NOTHING! Don't you guys see what's happened here?! I want you to be angry! Every day we hear about another school shooting! It used to be a big deal! I want it to be a big deal again. I mean Harriet, you came to my house and said there was a school shooting to trick me into going with you!

I was just trying to be a part of the big surprise, Sharon.

That's what I'm talking about! That's crazy, Harriet! I want you all to be shocked! I want you all to be sad!

You want everyone to be sad?

Well. Sharon, if you wanted to make me sad, congratulations. [voice cracks a little] You did a great job. [sadly walks away]

Yeah, let's go somewhere without so much negativity.

[points to Butters after he unlocks the church doors] Ohhh! [laughs along with the other congregants]

Butters

There's no church today! You all are just gonna have to find somethin' better to do! [closes the doors and locks them up]

Hey. Hey! Open the door! Hey! Come on! [driving all the way home, moments later…] Well, this sucks. What are we supposed to do without church?

I just feel so empty.

What are you guys so upset about?

Shut up, Shelley!

People, it's time we faced some hard truths. The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads. We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.

Stan

Dude, Kyle. Dude!

Cartman

Dude!

Kyle

What?

Stan

Did you read what Mr. Hankey tweeted last night?!

Kyle

What Mr. Hankey tweeted?

Stan

Yeah. I guess after band rehearsals he went on Twitter to talk about us.

Cartman

Look! [takes out his phone and gives it to Kyle to see for himself]

Kyle

Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.

Kyle

Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night?

[slowly] Yeah.

Kyle

Did you tweet, "The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music?"

[more slowly] Yeah.

Kyle

Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off!

It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't mean it?

Kyle

What do you want me to say?

The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. Do you take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas!

[furiously] Hankey! [Hankey turns to her and the other council members, all pissed at him] We need to talk about what you tweeted.

Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.

No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night. [takes out her phone] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."

Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!

I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.

Fire me? No, no, no, please. I-I'm really sorry. No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas?