People, it's time we faced some hard truths. The town is looking to us for answers, and all we keep doing is burying our heads. We need to cut the budget for this year's Christmas pageant.
“The Problem with a Poo” · Season 22, Episode 3
In this episode: Mayor McDaniels (3), Mr. Hankey (3), Stan Marsh (2), Kyle Broflovski (2), PC Principal (2), Eric Cartman (1), Randy Marsh (1), Dr. Gauche (1)
Dude, Kyle. Dude!
Dude!
What?
Did you read what Mr. Hankey tweeted last night?!
What Mr. Hankey tweeted?
Yeah. I guess after band rehearsals he went on Twitter to talk about us.
Look! [takes out his phone and gives it to Kyle to see for himself]
Oh. Jesus Christ, dude.
Mr. Hankey, everyone's really mad at you. Were you on Twitter last night?
[slowly] Yeah.
Did you tweet, "The kids of South Park are retarded homos who can't play music?"
[more slowly] Yeah.
Why would you tweet that?! All the kids are really pissed off!
It was a bad attempt at a joke. I'm sorry. Will you tell the kids I didn't mean it?
What do you want me to say?
The fact is, I couldn't sleep last night so I took some Ambien. Do you take that stuff? It turns your brain into oatmeal. Please, Kyle, tell the kids I didn't mean any harm. We've gotta focus on Christmas!
[furiously] Hankey! [Hankey turns to her and the other council members, all pissed at him] We need to talk about what you tweeted.
Oh, I'm sooo sorry. I took Ambien two nights ago and I called the schoolkids homos.
MMMayor McDanniels
No, I'm talking about what you tweeted last night. [takes out her phone] "The city council members are a bunch of pussy-licking Islamists."
Oh-oh Jeez, did I say that? Listen, if you're tired and you can't sleep, DO NOT take Ambien. Okay? Whew!
MMMayor McDanniels
I'm afraid we have no option but to fire you as executive planning manager of the city council.
Fire me? No, no, no, please. I-I'm really sorry. No, no wait! Wait, please give me another chance! Don't do this! What about Christmas?
Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman.
That she is.
The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. There are her babies right there.
[They look through the nursery window and see the PC baby quintuplets resting after they've been born]
Oh, dude. Bro.
Yes, cute, little buggers, aren't they? Three boys and two girls.
I think it's wrong to force gender specification upon them at this young age.
Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.
What's that?
Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen.
My babies! Where are they?
Shh. It's okay. The babies are fine. Resting in the nursery. They're the most... They're the most PC babies I've ever seen.
You shouldn't be here. People will start getting suspicious!
NNewscaster
Today, South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop.
Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.
No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.
A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.
[opens the back door for him, coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.
[Mr. Hankey hops into the car, Mayor then closes the door, and the car drives away]
Where will he go?
He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.