South Park quotes

Your vice principal gave birth to all five babies with no epidural. I must say, she's a very strong woman.

That she is.

The quintuplets are all healthy and resting away. There are her babies right there.

Oh, dude. Bro.

Yes, cute, little buggers, aren't they? Three boys and two girls.

I think it's wrong to force gender specification upon them at this young age.

Funny. That's exactly what their mother said. The quints are all Caucasian, blue-eyed, and something kind of weird.

What's that?

Well, the babies are all extremely PC, the likes of which I have never seen.

My babies! Where are they?

Shh. It's okay. The babies are fine. Resting in the nursery. They're the most... They're the most PC babies I've ever seen.

You shouldn't be here. People will start getting suspicious!

Today, South Park says goodbye to Mr. Hankey. The longtime union of this town and the holiday figure is over for good. We should all feel pretty great about ourselves, give ourselves a little, nice pat on the back, as we, as a society, continue to try and sweep away all the poop.

Well, everyone, I guess this is goodbye. It sure has been swell.

No goodbyes, Mr. Hankey. You just need to go. We already called you a Poober.

A Poober? They have that? [A Lyft car honks and pulls up] Oh, you mean Lyft. Well, okay. Goodbye, everyone. I hope I brought a few smiles and a few laughs into your hearts.

[opens the back door for him, coldly] Goodbye, Mr. Hankey.

Stan

Where will he go?

He'll have to find a place that accepts racist, awful beings like him. There are still places out there who don't care about bigotry and hate.

I'm over it, Sharon. I am seriously over it. Don't you wanna just start over? Go back to simpler times?

What do you mean?

I've had it -- school shootings, pieces of shit taking Ambien and tweeting, priests raping kids, and somehow... I'm not laughing anymore. Let's do it, Sharon. What I've always talked about. Let's get outta here. Go buy a farm and live off the land.

Are you being serious?

I've never been more serious.

[honking] Hey, the light's green!

SHUT UP, NELSON! Let's move out to the country. Go back to simple living when things mattered, like work hard and tegridy.

How will we make a living?

By growing things and selling what we make with our hands. We can do this, Sharon. It's time.

Kyle

So, just like that? Your parents sold your house and everything?

Stan

Yeah, it takes me like an hour to get to school now. It sucks. All because Shelley bribed the playground monitor to let her vape during recess.

Kyle

Why would your sister want to get addicted to those things?

Cartman

Well, your little brother does it too, Kyle.

Kyle

What are you talking about?

Cartman

You didn't know? The kindergartners are, like, the biggest vapers at this school.

[confronting Stan with a vape pen] Where did you get this?

Stan

It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner.

Yeah, right. My own son using a pussy stick. Don't you know what these things are doing to our way of life?! I've had enough!

Stan

What are you gonna do?

You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us!

Vape on this, bitch!

Where are you goin', Ned?

I'm getting my white ass outta here.

Jesus Christ! [fires at ManBearPig]

Ned!

Stan

I can't believe you would get high and play video games while your son is in jail! You're such an asshole!

Well, at least I'm not a school shooter!

Oh, you'd better not- [goes inside and throws his hat and jacket down; enraged] You bitch! [Maggie shrieks in fright and stands up] You're playing Red Dead Redemption, aren't you?!

So what of it?!

What did I tell you about playing on my saved game, Maggie?!

No! No, this is my life now, Harrison Yates! I started over, with me own saved game!

What are you talking about?

See for yourself! [hands him over the game controller] You and all your talk o'wantin' your own life! I wanted somethin' new, too! I started over in the snow and worked my way up to the new gang leader! I have thousands of dollars o'me own! I built a house with John Marston! I'm helping his family now!

You fucking slut!

That's right, Harrison Yates! And what have you got?! A basic starter horse and the $20 gambler's hat you won at a poker match! I'm twice the man you are now!

Don't you talk to me like that!

I'll talk however I want! I've completed every hunting side mission! Found seven legendary animals!

Found them where?!

I'm not tellin'! You wanted your now life and now you got it! [walks out of the room]

Maggie! [sits on his knees and breaks down, weeping]

You aren't using this during class time.

Cartman

It relaxes me. Ask my therapist. I have anxiety, you dumb bitch.

Butters

Oh, boy! This is looking so great! [Stephen enters and takes a safety vest from the coat rack by the door] Hey, Dad! The big bike parade is this weekend. How's it look? First prize is $50!

[frustrated] What are you saying, that our family needs cash?! I'm busting my ass trying to make ends meet! You wanna go live with Kim Kardashian?! She's better than me 'cause she's got money?! FUCK YOU, SON! [leaves and slams the door, then walks into the house through the kitchen, enters the living room, and puts on his vest]

Butters really loves that bike parade.

I don't need to be reminded every ten minutes that money's tight. [sighs deeply] I'm sorry. It's just this new job. It can be such a grind.

You work too hard at that place.

Kids these days just don't understand how much their parents break their backs to provide.

Ship to address. Order now. Usually ships in… [irritated] four to six weeks?! I can make my own towels in four to six weeks!

[knocks on door] Mayor, you have a visitor.

Not now, I'm having problems.

Stan

Mayor, we demand you cancel the bike parade!

Cartman

It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking!

[puts his feet up and communicates telepathically] What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win?

Stan

It's him.

Hello, Bezos. You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! You see, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy! [focusing on the townspeople's bloodshot eyes] Just look in the eyes of these people. Everyone has Tegridy now - Tegridy that you will never understand! We aren't just different classes of people anymore! We are a town!

[beat] Are you all high?

No. [the townspeople murmur in agreement] Why do you ask that?

Because I'm over here!

Oh. [walks around the crowd to face Bezos] Hang on. Hold on. Okay. I got it. Anyways. You see Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations. Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy. I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy. That's because I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone. And that's - now everyone is in this state of Tegridy that's impenetrable. Am I making sense?

NO!

The point is nobody's coming to work for you! So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else!

Damn you, Tegridy!!!