Oh, yes, we won! We won, we won! Uh, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team... we won't be going out for pizza.
[his team sighs]
S6Lisa on Ice
S6Homer: Bad Man
Ehh, somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on the gummi Venus, so I grabbed it off her. Oh, just thinking about that sweet, sweet candy... [drools] I just wish I had another one right now. But the most important thing is-
GJGodfrey Jones
That, is really great Mr. Simpson. We got everything we need.
[The version of his interview aired by Rock Bottom]
Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on- her- sweet can... so I grabbed- her- sweet can... -Oh, just thinking about- her- can... -I just wish I had- her- sweet, sweet- s-s-sweet can...
GJGodfrey Jones
So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? (a paused shot of Homer is seen) Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further. (the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in] No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson, noooo! (the screen freezes on the screaming Godfrey)
AAnnouncer
Dramatization, may not have happened.
This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at 8:00 for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came and when Marge Simpson put the cat out... possibly because it was harassed, we don't know. Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So, let's turn it on. Now, this technology is new to me, but, I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. (closeup of a turkey in a rotisserie) His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees; he's literally stewing in his own juices. [in the TV studio] Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95% of the people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding, unless Proposition 304 passes; and we all pray it will.
S6Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Flu?
No.
Protein deficiency?
No.
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
No.
Unsatisfying sex life?
N-- Yes! But please, don't you say that word.
What? [shouts] Sex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex.
[groans]
Mom, Dad, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book.
"Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."
Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".
AAide
Mr Vice-President! Someone finally bough a copy of your book, sir!
AGAl Gore
Well then, this calls for a celebration. [switches stereo on]
KGKool and the Gang
Celebrate good times, come on!
AGAl Gore
I will.
Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could’ve been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to a great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
[in the car]
Your whole life, you've never said one nice thing to me.
That's cause you're a screw-up.
You're the screw-up!
Why you little... [proceeds to strangle Homer, who eventually thrusts him away]
All right! All right, that's it! We're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.
If I hadn't take that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I would have been happy! YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT!
[Homer gasps and stops the car]
[angry] GET OUT.
I'm sorry I said that.
[still angry] OUT.
[gets out of the car] I'm going to get out of the car and I hope you find it in your heart not to drive aw-
[Homer drives off, preventing Grampa from finishing his sentence]
Well, I'll be alright as long as I can remember my army training. [scene cuts to middle of the night with Grampa still stranded on the same stretch of open road] Dang! [a lone wolf is heard howling in the distance]
Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident, he didn't wanna have me.
You didn't wanna have Bart.
I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child!
You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning!
But when I do it, it's cute!
Homer, your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.
But I'm using my whole ass!
Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.
Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
[leaves]
I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".
That's what I assumed.
S6Fear of Flying
MMoe
[to Homer] And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.
"It's Raining Men"?!
MMoe
Yeah, not no more, it ain't. [throws the record out the window which lands into Smithers' car]
Ow! [looks at the record] Ohhh.
Cheer up, Homer.
Can't.
Okay!
What if you pretended that this couch were a bar? Then you could spend more nights at home with us. Huh?
I'm not going to dignify that with an answer.
Look on the bright side, Dad. Did you know that the Chinese use the same word for "crisis" as they do for "opportunity"?
Yes! Cris-a-tunity. You're right. I've been wasting my life away in that dump for years. That's it! I'm going to find a new bar to drink in, and I'm going to get drunker than I've ever been in my entire life! Bart! Where's my wallet?
[pulling it from his own pocket] Right here, Dad!
Thank you!
[Homer enters the bar from Cheers.]
Ooh, this looks like a nice, friendly place.
CCarla
Sam, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane, without Rebecca knowing.
SSam
Okay Carla, I'll make you a bet; if this affects my major-league comeback, I'll sell the bar.
NNorm
Hey Woody, get me a beer.
WWoody
I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.
NNorm
Just give me another beer, you brain-dead hick! [stands up and smashes a bottle] I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you!
[Norm lunges for Woody, but Cliff and Frasier restrain him.]
CClavin
Woah, settle down, Normie! Gotta save those pipes for karaoke!
[Homer runs from the bar.]
NNorm
I love you guys! [weeps as the Cheers theme plays]
Wait a minute... There's something bothering me about this place. [gasps] I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your deathtrap, ladies. (leaves)
LLesbian
What was her problem?
The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm going to have to quit drinking.
HSHomer's Liver
Yay!
Shut up, liver! [punches himself in the liver] Ow, my liver hurts.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.