“Grandpa vs. Sexual Inadequacy” · Season 6
In this episode: Homer Simpson (4), Marge Simpson (2), Lisa Simpson (2), Grampa Simpson (2), Bart Simpson (1), Aide (1)
Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Never mind, you wouldn't understand.
Flu?
No.
Protein deficiency?
No.
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
No.
Unsatisfying sex life?
N-- Yes! But please, don't you say that word.
What? [shouts] Sex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had sex.
[groans]
Mom, Dad, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book.
"Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."
Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".
Mr Vice-President! Someone finally bough a copy of your book, sir!
Well then, this calls for a celebration. [switches stereo on]
Celebrate good times, come on!
I will.
Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could’ve been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to a great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
[in the car]
Your whole life, you've never said one nice thing to me.
That's cause you're a screw-up.
You're the screw-up!
Why you little... [proceeds to strangle Homer, who eventually thrusts him away]
All right! All right, that's it! We're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.
If I hadn't take that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I would have been happy! YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT!
[Homer gasps and stops the car]
[angry] GET OUT.
I'm sorry I said that.
[still angry] OUT.
[gets out of the car] I'm going to get out of the car and I hope you find it in your heart not to drive aw-
[Homer drives off, preventing Grampa from finishing his sentence]
Well, I'll be alright as long as I can remember my army training. [scene cuts to middle of the night with Grampa still stranded on the same stretch of open road] Dang! [a lone wolf is heard howling in the distance]
Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?
Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident, he didn't wanna have me.
You didn't wanna have Bart.
I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child!
You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning!
But when I do it, it's cute!
Homer, your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.
But I'm using my whole ass!
Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.
Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
[leaves]
I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".
That's what I assumed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
