The Simpsons · Season 11
So, are you enjoying your ox testicle?
Yeah.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious.
Nah, I'm good.
[Shortly after there is a small earthquake]
Ahh! What was that?!
We call that-- [starts making gagging and choking noises] sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that, "earthquake".
Oh great, now my testicle's got ants on it!
[after looking at his face in the year's calendar] Am I really that ugly?
Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? [Lenny gasps] Is Barney that drunk? [Barney gasps] Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? [Homer gasps]
Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! [He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.]
[to the audience] See, this is why I don't talk much.
I've been called "Ugly," "Pug Ugly," "Fugly," "Pug Fugly." But never "Ugly-Ugly!"
Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure.
What we need is a symbol that says, "We're gay and Republican!
[Maggie's pink elephant-shaped balloon floats into the room.]
A little on-the-nose, don't you think?
[reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?
We're realistic.
Okay, last stop, Channel 6.
You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers?
Nah, nah, nah, this is personal. [Flashback.] It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow in the hit soap, "It Never Ends". [Reads a script.] 'Angela, I'm afraid I...'
Thank you, next! What were you thinking?
Well, you said you wanted gritty, in other words, ugly.
I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island-ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes-ugly. TV-ugly not ugly-ugly.
Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
I know what you mean. Our dog had that.
[during the Toss The Drunk contest at Duff Days]
Ew! [to Duffman] You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yeah!
[with a sticker covering his face] Duffman can't breathe. Oh no!
You idiot -- Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
Whaa?
[holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!
Don't you mean "present?"
Right, right. Present.
[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]
So, how was everyone's day?
Appointed a Supreme Court justice.
Bewitched marathon.
Searched for Lincoln's gold.
Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.
Then what is his ghost protecting?
As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Milhouse?
Milhouse [shows a chart]: We're broke.
The country is broke? How can that be?
Well, remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children? Big mistake.
The balanced breakfast program just created a generation of ultra-strong super-criminals.
And midnight basketball taught them to function without sleep.
[as Homer and Bart are "celebrating" Trash Night]
I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.
Dad, that's a sports bra.
All I know is that I'm finally getting the support I need.
[As she walks into the kitchen] I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavey. [She sniffs the air.] Good lord, that's gas! [Marge finds a taped hosepipe leading into the garden]
Behold! I am king Tocki Ticki! [The Hawaiian statue breathed fire as Bart and Lisa scream] Hey Flanders! Can your god do that?
Actually Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-
Irregardless! I am your god now! [Flanders walks away as Homer burns his hedge] Ha, ha, ha!
Homie, you can't just reroute the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is?
[shaking the statue] Do not anger Tocki Ticki! [dropping the statue which catches on fire] I am all power- Aargh! [Worried] I'll be at Moe's! [climbs over the fence]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
