“Pygmoelian” · Season 11
In this episode: Moe Szyslak (5), Homer Simpson (3), Duffman (2), Lisa Simpson (1), Carl Carlson (1)
[after looking at his face in the year's calendar] Am I really that ugly?
Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? [Lenny gasps] Is Barney that drunk? [Barney gasps] Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? [Homer gasps]
Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! [He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.]
[to the audience] See, this is why I don't talk much.
I've been called "Ugly," "Pug Ugly," "Fugly," "Pug Fugly." But never "Ugly-Ugly!"
Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure.
What we need is a symbol that says, "We're gay and Republican!
[Maggie's pink elephant-shaped balloon floats into the room.]
A little on-the-nose, don't you think?
[reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?
We're realistic.
Okay, last stop, Channel 6.
You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers?
Nah, nah, nah, this is personal. [Flashback.] It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow in the hit soap, "It Never Ends". [Reads a script.] 'Angela, I'm afraid I...'
Thank you, next! What were you thinking?
Well, you said you wanted gritty, in other words, ugly.
I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island-ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes-ugly. TV-ugly not ugly-ugly.
Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
I know what you mean. Our dog had that.
[during the Toss The Drunk contest at Duff Days]
Ew! [to Duffman] You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yeah!
[with a sticker covering his face] Duffman can't breathe. Oh no!
You idiot -- Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
Whaa?
[holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
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