TCaptain Tenille
I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?
Is a poop deck really what I think it is?
TCaptain Tenille
[chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.
What's a jib?
TCaptain Tenille
[laughs] Promote that man.
S9Simpson Tide
TCaptain Tenille
Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?
[straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peas.
TCaptain Tenille
Oh, we all want peace, but it's always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what's the best way to get peace?
[reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.
TCaptain Tenille
Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.
And you're like the father I never visit.
Mayday, mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid!
You mean water?
Yeah, that's it.
AAbe
My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is not a porn star!
Well, sir, treason season started early this year as (a black and white picture of Homer dressed as a Russian, doing a Cossack dance, and holding a bottle of vodka with St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow behind him appears next to Kent as he continues reading): a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man, Homer Simpson.
Marge (distressed): Oh my God!
Lisa (resigned): I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.
S9The Trouble with Trillions
[Scrambling to complete his taxes]
Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh... nine!
Homer, you know we don't have--
Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts![hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch]Here you go, keep using nuclear power.
Homer, I painted that for you.
Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.
Cool!
I put the tax forms on the top of your "to do" pile a month ago.
I have a "to do" pile?! [looks at the mountain of papers next to him on the end table, which wasn't there before]
[Pointing to a display case] Oh, you'll find this amusing: the suit Chaplin was buried in.
JAgent Johnson
We believe Burns still has the bill hidden somewhere in his house, but all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof.
See with your eyes, not with your hands!
FCFidel Castro
Please! We are all amigos here!
Mr. Burns, I think we can trust the President of Cuba!
[Mr. Burns reluctantly hands over the money]
Now give it back.
FCFidel Castro
Give what back?
[Homer, Smithers, and Mr. Burns are on a raft back to America after their disastrous encounter with Fidel Castro]
If it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government, and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that.
God bless America!
FCFidel Castro
Our country is completely bankrupt. We have no choice but to abandon communism.
AAides
AWWW!
CCastro
I know, but we knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn't fly. [picks up a phone]. I'm gonna call Washington and tell them, they've won.
MAMale aide
But Sir, the Americans tried to kill you.
CCastro
Eh, they're not so bad. They named a street for me in San Francisco. [aide whispers something into his ear] It's full of whahh?
S9Girly Edition
SCStore Clerk
May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?
Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.
SCStore Clerk
Sir, helper monkeys are only for the physically challenged or enfeebled.
Enfeebled? Ooooh, I know just the guy. Be right back.
[Homer walks out of the Animal Assistants Store with Mojo the Helper Monkey and Grampa Simpson]
Oh, son, this monkey's gonna change my life.
Mind if I take him for a ride?
Sure, I'll just stand here.
[Homer and Mojo get in the car and drive away]
Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.
Lisa, Channel Six is launching a children's news program, and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchor child.
[Gasps] Oh my god! Today's top story, little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true.
Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor.
I know, I already jumped to that conclusion.
Alright, if you're so smart, tell me who I selected to be lunch room monitor?
Me?
[beat] Take your sash and go.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.