D1Doughnut 1
Homer Simpson, you stand accused of eating half the population of the planet of the doughnuts!
D2Doughnut 2
As Homer's defense attorney, I feel we should be mercifu-- hey! Did you just take a bite out of me?
Uh… maybe.
“Simpson Tide” · Season 9
In this episode: Homer Simpson (12), Bart Simpson (4), Marge Simpson (3), Milhouse Van Houten (2), Barney Gumble (2), Lisa Simpson (1), Moe Szyslak (1), Waylon Smithers (1)
Uh, sir, we found the problem. Some idiot threw this in the reactor core.
[sees charred doughnut] Success!
You did this? How could you be so irresponsible?
Uh...it's my first day.
Since I've never seen you before, maybe it is your first day. Very well, carry on! [walks off]
Sir, that's Homer Simpson. He's been working here for ten years.
Ohh, really? Why did you think you could lie to me?
It's my first day.
Well, why didn't you say-- Yawoo! You're fired!
AAnnouncer
Daybreak: Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are fighting for freedom. But you're in Lubbock, Texas, hosing stains off a monument. You're in the Naval Reserve, America's seventeenth line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the League of Women Voters. After basic training, you'll only have to work one weekend a month. And most of that time, you're drunk off your ass.
We live in a highly technological age where fighting a war is as simple as turning off a light. [starts clapping]
We don't have a Clapper.
[clapping] Sorry, can't hear you, Marge, I'm clapping. [Homer claps for several seconds before throwing the lamp out the window] Nightie night.
Well guys, I won't be seeing you for a while.
Where you going?
I've joined the Naval Reserve.
Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too!
MMoe
Well I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too!
AApu
And although my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey, I'm in too.
Gee, thanks guys. This is just like The Deer Hunter.
MMoe
The Deer Hunter? Uh, that reminds me. [runs into a room in the back. Skinner and Krusty are playing Russian roulette with a Vietnamese mob boss. The mob boss puts a bullet in revolver, spins the gun chamber, places it near Krusty and dares him]
MBMob boss
Didi mau! Didi mau! [as Krusty reaches for the gun, Moe interrupts]
MMoe
I'm sorry guys, we're shuttin' down for a while. Sorry.
See you in a week.
Good luck, Dad. Although I'm morally opposed to the military-industrial complex of which you are now a part.
Aw, that's sweet, honey. I'll bring you back a hat.
Hey, Homer, bring me back a torpedo.
No.
But Flanders got his kids torpedoes.
Oh, he did, did he? I'll show him! I'll bring you a weapon of unimaginable destructive power!
Homer!
But only if you're good. Even if you're not.
No way, man! My hair is who I am! [the barbers shave Homer anyway. Outside, Barney, Moe and others hold their shaven hair while Homer has the two strands that are left of his hair] Ow, I'm a freak!
DSDrill Sergent
[to Apu] Tuck in that shirt. [to Moe] Shine those shoes, mister. [to Homer, who has on the Foam Dome beer hat he last wore on "Selma's Choice") Oh, for the love of...
Eh, a seagull took my sailor hat. [sergeant removes and throws hat to ground]
DSDrill Sergeant
All right, Simpson. I don't like you, and you don't like me.
I like you.
DSDrill Sergeant
Um, all right. You like me, but I don't like you.
Maybe you would like me if you got to know me.
DSDrill Sergeant
What are you, a comedian?
Well, I'm no Margaret Cho, but I do a pretty fair Columbo impression. Eh, one more thing-- One... I should get a glass of water.
DSDrill Sergeant
Aaaarrrggghh..!
There, the perfect sheepshank!
DSDrill Sergeant
Very nice, Simpson. But next time, tie the other end to the ship! [a large vessel drifts away, out to sea, and off a waterfall]
Oh-hoh..!
Hey, Bart. Check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?
Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?
No, I think she's hot! Sorry, it just slipped out.
Young man, the school dress code specifically forbids the wearing of earrings unless you're of gypsy extraction.
Well, uh, I'm a gypsy.
Oh, really? Prove it.
Uh, I want to suck your blood!
Nuh-uh, that's a vampire. But, uh, they're also covered. Carry on.
MWMan with Eye Patch
Lost this eye in Haiti. I was drinking a Mai Tai, and I forgot to take the little parasol out.
That's not a war story, I'll tell you a war story. I was on PT-109 with John F. Kennedy. I was the first to discover his terrible secret.
KKennedy
Ich bin ein Berliner.
He's a Nazi! Get him!
What on Earth possessed you to getting an earring?
Milhouse has one.
If Milhouse jumped off a cliff--
Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!
Well, I guess that's everyone. Except earring boy.
Come on, dad didn't you do anything wild when you were a kid?
Well, when I was 10 I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different!
Fine, take it.
TCaptain Tenille
I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?
Is a poop deck really what I think it is?
TCaptain Tenille
[chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.
What's a jib?
TCaptain Tenille
[laughs] Promote that man.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.