The Simpsons quotes

[watching a Pokémon-like show on TV] Wow, how does this show stay so fresh?

[angrily enters Bart's room] Hey! You're supposed to be doing your homework! No more TV for you! [tries to take the TV off Bart's desk but fails miserably, so he grabs a pen and scribbles on the screen] Until your homework is done, the only place your butt is safe from my foot is in that chair. [leaves]

Oh.

[sneaking in] It's okay, Bart. Just do a couple vocabulary words, then come have some milk and cookies.

But Dad said I had to finish my--

Never mind what he said. You just listen to me. [leaves]

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You would mess up Mom and Dad's marriage just to get out of doing some homework?

Hey, hey! I would end all life on this planet just to get out of doing fractions!

Fractions aren't that hard. You just have to find a common denominator. For example, one half plus one third equals three--

END! ALL! LIFE! ON! THIS! PLANET! [makes explosion noise and leaves]

You'll need to know fractions to make that explosion!

[from offscreen] I don't care!

[Lisa rolls her eyes]

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You are now officially a sociopath.

Hey, at least I'm on a path.

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[At home, Homer and Marge are furious with Bart for destroying Springfield Elementary School]

Mister, you are grounded.

And no TV.

And I'm taking all the exciting colors out of your crayons.

And when you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me exactly what you're up to! Even though I don't know what Twitter is and have no desire to find out!

Ah, you guys are the meanest parents ever. [he hugs Homer and Marge] Thank you.

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S21Stealing First Base

Um, this is the last seat, so...

[Nikki scoots over for Bart to share her desk, but she takes out her Fruit by the Foot bar, and she pulls it out, putting a line between her desk]

My side, your side.

[looks at Nikki's pink pencil case with her name on it] Hi, Nikki. I'm Bart. This situation, it's nuts, right? Oh, look at you-- opening a book so you won't have to talk to me. I'm just gonna be tuning up the old armpit. [Bart blows his pitch pipe and does armpit fart sounds. Nikki slightly smiles.]

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Oh, man, you girls ruin everything-- even vampires.

Hey, vampires are cool outsiders who love girls who hate cheerleaders.

No, they're all about chomping neck. And they don't put product in their hair like this loser. [Draws a picture of a vampire holding a tommy gun and an alien's decapitated head]

They look like this. [Shows the picture he drew]

[amazed] Awesome picture.

Can I draw a robot barfing screws on your arm with my Sharpie?

I... I'd like that. [Nikki pulls up her sleeve, so Bart can draw a robot barfing screws on her right arm. He laughs while doing so and writes his name on the bottom.]

And... finished.

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RRalph

I cheated the wrong way! I wrote the Lisa name and gave the Ralph answers!

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But I need to talk about man stuff!

Talk to Grampa, he used to be a man!

He did?

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It's not my fault, Grampa told me to kiss her!

[scoffs] Why didn't you just tell him to club her on her head and drag her into a cave?

Grampa

You mean second base? Whoa, he's a little young for that.

Well, if I talk to Nikki, I'm sure I can--

No! If you go near her one more time, we'll be sued into the poorhouse and have to eat garbage forever!

That's no problem, Mom can make garbage taste great.

[genuinely touched, hugging him] Thank you!

Well, I mean it.

And it means the world to me.

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Oh, Bart, I hate to see you like this. [She kisses Bart on the lips] Aw, look who's all confused.

Huh?

[Nikki kisses him again]

What the hell are you doing?!

I'm kissing you, stupid.

You're the biggest psycho I ever met!

You wanna stop?

Absolutely not.

[Nikki kisses Bart for the third time]

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Oh! I finally caught one of Bart's school plays.

That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.

Yeah, now that I look closer, that guy couldn't fool anybody.

Skinner

Shut up, fatso.

[turns red with anger] Why you little… [furiously runs into the stage and angrily strangles Skinner, Martin and Wendell drags him off the stage]

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KKevin

Nelson, now that the bans have been lifted, let me touch your face. That way, I can see you with my fingers. [touches Nelson's face] Eww! I said your face, not your butt!

NNelson

Aw, you feel comfortable enough to mock me. [punches him] That's for mocking me!

KKevin

Nelson... your punch restored my vision! I can see again!

NNelson

Really?! Kevin, that's wonderf--

KKevin

Haw haw!

NNelson

The student has become the master!

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