Moe Szyslak quotes from The Simpsons

Homer

Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job.

Chief Wiggum

[driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer.

Homer

[thinking about his new job] Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work.

Oh Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir.

Homer

[still oblivious] It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money.

Hey Homer, way to get Marge pregnant.

Homer

[confused] This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.

Oh, dear God, no!

Fortunately, we have a plan. Professor Frink?

Frink

Mu-hi. Good evening, ladies and—

Quit stalling! What's the plan?!

Frink

Alright, just take your seat, just take your seat. [removes cloth, to a scale model of Springfield] Now, working with former Carter-administration officials and military men who were forced into early retirement—for various reasons which we won't go here, okay?—we have planned this defense for the city. [flips switch] As the comet hurdles toward the city, our rocket will intercept it, and blow it to smithereens. Ma-hyvin! [explodes. Flames land onto Moe's bar]

Oh, dear God, no!

You know, I rather like this pub.

Oho, an English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.

Oh, yeah well, we saved your arse in World War III.

That's true.

OK, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath?

Alright, settle down. Anita Bath here?

Alright, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks! [even more laughter] Hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, Kids? Well, children, I can't help that!

Wow, Bart, I'm impressed the way you knocked off all those substitutes.

Bart

In my weaker moments, I almost pity them. Then I just remind myself, they're trying to teach.

Barney

Hey Moe, what'll ya give me for an AA chip?

Uh Barney, this is a 5-minute chip. Eh, it's worth a Pabst.

Barney

These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure I'm dizzy and nauseous, but where is the inflated sense of self-esteem? [a barfly babbles indistinctly, collapses]

Hey, if you guys are getting get loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya. [a man and a woman in chemical suits come in]

Man alive! There are..men alive in here.

I'm detecting over 20 different toxins in the air. [Barney burps. The meter rapidly beeps]

Alright, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed.

Damn Burns. Let me just get one thing. [grabs under and cocks shotgun and leaves]

Barney

Me too. [grabs pistol from under bar stool] Ahh! Now, there's the inflated sense of self-esteem.

Did you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

No. [buzz, red light] All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! [ding, green light]

Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.

Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. [buzz] A date. [buzz] Dinner with friends. [buzz] Dinner alone. [buzz] Watching TV alone. [buzz] All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog! [buzz] ... [hangs head] Sears catalog. [ding] Now, would you unhook this already, please?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! [buzz]

The deep fryer's here! I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in 40 seconds.

Homer

Forty seconds?! But I want it now!

Get rid of it all.

Barney

Hey Moe, you could've at least kept the fire extinguishers.

Nah, too many bad memories.

Sideshow Bob

[speaking on a large TV screen] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?

What?

Dr. Hibbert

Surely he's not talking about VH1.

Sideshow Bob

Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation...and scrimshaw. Thus I submit to you, we abolish television...permanently!

Homer

Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!

Sideshow Bob

Oh, and one more thing-- I've stolen a nuclear weapon. And if you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. [Bob cuts the link, then turns it back on] By the way, I'm well aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

Moe's Tavern.

Mr. Burns

I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name Waylon.

Ohh. So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers eh? First name Waylon is it? Listen to me you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove them down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap out of you okay! Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

[enters Moe's Tavern] Uh... hello. Got a help wanted sign on the window?

Uh, yeah. I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.

I'll just wait out back until then.

Barney

I look forward to working with you!

Homer

Mr. Smithers wait! You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices. You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself that there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back!

You're right! But I'm gonna need your help.

Oh My God!

Beer delivery. Just sign here. Oh, No! It's you!

Barney

[laughing] [Truck Driver: Hey!] Oh boy! [Truck Driver: give me that!] No! [empty metal containers rolling] [burps loudly]

Homer

Hello, I'd like to speak to with a Mr. Snotball, first name Eura?

Eura Snotball?

Homer

What?! How dare you?! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!

Say Barn. Uh, remember when I said I had to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?

Barney

[laughs] Oh yeah. We all had a good laugh Moe.

The results came back in. [picks up a huge stack of paper and reads it] "You owe me $70 billion."

Barney

Hmmm?!

Wait no that was for the Voyager spacecraft. Your tab is $14 billion.

Barney

All's I got is 2,000 bucks.

Well that's halfway there. [puts the money in the cash register just as Snake bursts through the door]

Freeze, Dude! Move a muscle and I'll blow this wino's head off!

I'm behind 3 inches of bullet-proof glass. Do your worst!

All right. [opens the cash register and takes Moe's money]

No! Stay out of there! Oh! Good God! No! [turns on and off the light many times]

Ho! Goodbye student loan payments! Ha! Ha! [leaves Moe's Tavern]

Come back here you..! Hey I wonder how much air is in here? [faints]

Bernice

Julius!

Clancy!

Chalmers

Skinner?

Agnes

Seymour!

Seymour

Mother...

Selma

[off-screen] Patty?

Brandine

Cletus!

... Oh, uh... Barney.

Clancy!

Chief Wiggum

Hey, come on, you did me twice.

Mr. Burns

Smithers?

My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.

Luann

Mayor Quimby!

Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

Marge

I rest my case.

Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.