Sweet Lord, it is! [sees Bart's name written in huge letters in the grass with herbicide] SIMPSON!!!!!! [Bart gulps; cut to the principal's office] Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew, as you were writing your own name in 40-foot high letters in the field, that you would be caught?
Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir.
THERE ARE NO OTHER BARTS!!!
The sheer contempt demonstrated by this incident, makes me wish I could pull the dusty board of education out of retirement. [point to the sign "In Emergency Breaks Glass"] Call your father immediately.
[Bart prank calls Moe's from Principal Skinner's office.]
Homer... [making sure Skinner's not looking and lowers voice] ...Sexual.
MMoe
Wait one sec. Let me check. Uh, Homer Sexual? Uh, come on. Come on. One of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual.
[The entire bar, including Homer laughs at Moe]
MMoe
Oh no. You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, [we see Skinner holding a phone] I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip ya face off!
[insulted] You'll do what, young man?!
MMoe
[taken aback] What, what, wait, who is this?
I think the real question is who is this, AND WHERE IS HOMER SIMPSON?!?
MMoe
[realizes his mistake] Whoa whoa, sorry, Principal Skinner, sorry, it's a bad connection, I think. [to Homer] It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.
MMoe
[lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.
CCollette
Oh, Morris, something troubles me...
MMoe
Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes-
CCollette
No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.
MMoe
That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.
CCollette
I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.
CCollette
[stern] He's your friend, Moe, and you took advantage of him.
MMoe
All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!
[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe]
Hi, Moe. A beer...and A LOT OF BILLS!
MMoe
[laughs] Okay! [under breath] ...ya lucky moron. [takes one of his shoes off, shakes shoe empty, dollar bills come out] Here ya go, Homer. A hundred thirty-five dollars.
I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet. [takes money, inhales deeply] Now, it's the smell of victory.
[At Moe's]
And I say that England's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!
[stands up] LORD PALMERSTON!!
BBoggs
[pokes Barney in the chest] PITT...THE...ELDER!!!
OKAY, YOU ASKED FOR IT, BOGGS! [punches Boggs out]
MMoe
Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney! [dismissively] Pitt the Elder.
LORD PALMERSTON!!!!! [punches Moe out]
MMoe
Fudd? I thought it took that off the market after those hillbillies went blind.
Oh, no. I went to this bar the other night and... [Moe cuts him off]
MMoe
Wh-- Wait a minute. You went to another bar?
Moe, I was 100 miles out of town!
MMoe
I, uh, brought you a little present. [gives Homer a can of beer]
I can't stand to see him like that this. [Shoves a pillow in Homer's face. He than lifts up a water fountain, throws it at a window, jumps out and runs away]
MMoe
He really needs a girlfriend.
Oh Marge. What if I wind up as some vegetable watching TV on the couch. My important work will never be completed.
Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, would you guys be interested in a Krusty the Clown comeback special?
FFlea
Sure, if you can get us out of this gig.
No problemo. Hey, Moe! Look over there! [Bart points to a blank wall]
MMoe
What? What am I looking at? I don't see anything. Gonna stop looking now! What, is that it...?
Hey, Moe, can I look too?
MMoe
Sure, but it'll cost you.
MMoe
[chuckles] He is so stupid. And now back to the wall!
BGBrad Goodman
I want you all to close your eyes and listen to your inner child. Listen, what's he saying?
NSNed's Inner Child
Stay on the course big Ned, you're doing super! [Ned smiles]
HSHomer's Inner Child
[points to his mouth] Food goes in here.
MSMoe's Inner Child
[in Italian accent] Hey-a Moe, what's-tha mattah? Ya no talking wit ya accent-a no more.
MMoe
[slaps face] Mamma mia!
LLovejoy
Now let us bow our heads in a silent prayer of Thanksgiving. [all the churchgoers do so. Homer is breathing through his nose, which gets louder with each breath, annoying Ned]
[furiously and annoyed] STOP IT!!! BREATHE THROUGH YOUR DAMN MOUTH! [Lovejoy and the churchgoers gasp] Oh, can't you see this man's not a hero!? He's annoying! He's very, very annoying!
Well, Ned's just jealous!
MMoe
The man's hepped up on goofballs!
Let's sacrifice him to our God! (the room falls silent as everyone looks at Grampa in horror): We did it all the time in the 30's.
[Homer has just awaken and is in heaven as he stuffs his face with food. Moe knocks on the pantry door.]
MMoe
[through the door] Homer? It's Moe. Uh look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.
Can't murder now, eating.
MMoe
Oh, for crying out loud... [enters with a group of horror characters] Come on.
[Homer screams as Moe's gang of ghouls consisting of a mummy, werewolf, vampire, Freddy Kruger, Jason Voorhees and Pinhead carry him out against his will.]
BSBart's Brain
Now, just relax. For once, you didn't do anything wrong. Just explain yourself and everyone will understand.
Took the money? Yes, we know.
[Bart runs to and jumps out the window]
Stop him! He's headed for the window!
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
