Moe Szyslak quotes from The Simpsons

So uh, who are you guys anyhow?

Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI.

FBI, huh? Excuse me. [Goes to the back room, where two boys are hosing down a whale] All right, they're on to us. Get him back to Sea World.

Homer

All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War recreation society I love so much.

[hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.

Barney

[dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.

[Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

What kind of pet shop is full of rambunctious yahoos, and hot jazz music at 1 a.m.?

Umm...Ahh...The best damn pet shop in town.

Lovejoy

And the very same goes for Ezekiel, which brings us back to our starting point, The Nine Tenets of Constancy.

Homer

[yawns and hits his head on the back of the bench] DAMN IT!!! [the churchgoers gasp]

Lovejoy

[sternly clears throat] I seem to have lost my place, so I'll start over.

Oh, for the love of crumb cake!

Homer

Oh, I can't believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.

Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.

Homer

No, I won't accept that.

No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]

Barney

[takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours!

Okay, gimme that, gimme it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.

Barney

Aw...

Bart

Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman!

I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.

Bart

Wow. Wonder where all the rats are gonna go?

OK, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

[checks his watch] Uh oh. Here comes the evening rush. Clear out fellas! [Hordes of mice run out of the bar as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the two barflies walk in]

Homer

Evening, Moe.

Barney

[comes out of the bathroom] Morning, Moe.

Yeah, alright, listen up, guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope. [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg. Whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Homer

You're mutants?

Uh, we don't like the word "mutants", Homer. We prefer "freaks" or "monsters".

Sideshow Mel

I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.

Yeah, but not before me you ain't. [He storms out]

Ned Flanders

Now now, there's plenty exits for everyone!

Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [Puts Flanders into a headlock]

Skinner

Hey now, that's uncalled for.

Shut your hole Skinner!

Groundskeeper Willie

Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!

Marge

Homer, we've got to get out of here!

Homer

Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]

[turns to face Homer, screaming] JOBBERS COBKNOTS, YA MUCKER!! [pulls out a crowbar]

Homer

All done! [runs off]

[at an NRA meeting] So last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.

Sideshow Mel

Whatever did you do, Moe?

Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation but, luckily, I managed to shoot him in the spine.

Yeah. I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp!

Homer

[Shoots a beer can open] Anyone else want a beer?

Dr. Hibbert

Homer! You use your gun as a can opener?

Homer

I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV. [Shoots the TV, it turns on, and a cowboy onscreen falls down dead]

Agnes

I've never seen such recklessness!

You mighta hurt someone!

Cletus

Are you some kinda moron?!

Homer

Yeah, but--

Krusty

Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys! They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keepin' the King of England out of your face.

Your membership card, please, Homer. [Homer sadly hands him the card, and he tears it up] I'll also need to remove your tattoo. [holds up a grater]

Homer

I didn't get one yet.

Rats.

Homer

Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression?

Booze, booze, and more booze.

Ha. Nothing like a depressant to chase the blues away.

What is it, Lisa?

Lisa

It looks like a human skeleton, but these other bones almost look like wings.

Ned

You mean like an angel?

Lisa

Well, obviously that's impossible--

Lisa's right, it’s an angel!

[disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.

Barney

Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

Homer

[drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe… you're always Moe.