The Simpsons · Season 8
[Smithers is hiking up the snowy mountain, alone, cursing Mr. Burns]
How could you do this to me, Mr. Burns? After all I've done for you. Why, if you were here, I'd kick you right in your boney old behind!
["boney old behind" echoes through the mountain, Mr. Burns and Homer hear it]
Why, thank you, Simpson! I have been watching my figure.
Only who can prevent forest fires?
[out of choices "you" and "me", Bart presses "you"]
You pressed "You" referring to me. The correct answer was you.
Ah sitting, the great leveler. From the lowliest peasant to the mightiest pharaoh, who does not enjoy a good sit?
Oh, man, you are so right. Did you ever sit like this?
Yes, yes, that's it. Oh, I could go for one of those right now. Ahh! The only hard part is getting up.
He-he. Why get up? Here's a little move I have been tinkering with. Say I wanted that bowl of dip.
Why, you'd have to get up.
Oh?
[Homer pounds table, which causes bowl to leap several times until it comes into Homer's hand]
Sir, I am in your debt.
Use it wisely, my friend.
[An avalanche rumbles in the distance]
... Hey, did you hear something?
No?
Hm. Did I?
I don't know.
[after multiple avalanches caused] Those last three avalanches were your fault, Simpson!
According to the map, the cabin should be right here.
Hey, maybe there is no cabin. Maybe it's one of them metaphorical things.
Oh yeah, yeah... Like maybe the cabin is the place inside each of us, created by our goodwill and teamwork.
[in a flash of insight] Ohhh! Nah, they said there would be sandwiches.
All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War recreation society I love so much.
[at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]
[hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.
[dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.
[Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!
[Kearney applies for the nanny position]
I'm here for the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get outta line...[pounds his fist into his hand]: Pow!
I like him!
[to Homer] Thanks. Hey, where do ya keep the liquor?
I hide a bottle of Schnapps in the baby's crib.
[to Kearney] I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for!
[walks away, muttering] Tellin' me, ya blue-haired witch.
I heard that!
Hello, I'm Shary Bobbins.
Did you say Mary Pop—
[interrupts] No, I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.
[drunk, singing] Wasting away again in Margaritaville...
[drunk, singing] Searching for my lost shaker of salt – oh, here it is!
[During the Krusty Komedy Klassic: Krusty steps out onstage. Three white "K"s are behind him]
Hey-hey! It's great to be here at the Apollo Theater, and -- [notices the unfortunate initials of his comedy special behind him]: "KKK"? That's not good. [audience begins booing and chucking bottles and tomatoes at him]
Now, let’s take a look at a young Charles Bronson’s brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in The Andy Griffith Show.
[Cut to scene from said show; Barney Fife is standing in front of the desk where Charles Bronson is sitting reading a newspaper]
Where’s Otis? He’s not in his cell!
I shot him.
Well, that’s- [suddenly realizing what Bronson said] WHAT?
Charles Bronson [stands up and pulls out a revolver]: Now I’m goin’ down to Emmett’s Fix-It Shop. [cocks gun] To...”fix” Emmett. [walks away whistling the show theme]
We at the network want a dog with attitude. He's edgy, he's "in your face." You've heard the expression, "let's get busy"? Well, this is a dog who gets "biz-zay!" Consistently and thoroughly.
So he's proactive, huh?
Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageous paradigm.
Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. [pause] I'm fired, aren't I?
Oh, yes.
Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy and Scratchy.
You? But you're a lady.
[mimicking Itchy] She's a lady, all right. [mimicking Scratchy] A beautiful lady.
[laughing] Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?
Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner. [mimicking The Road Runner] Meep!
You mean "Meep, meep"?
No. They only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.
Uh, question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09*, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Gee, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.
Uh, well, uh...
I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?
[embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
