The Simpsons · Season 8
Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever! Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.
Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?
As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.
What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them!
[pause] Worst Episode Ever.
[In the latest episode of "Itchy and Scratchy," Itchy has frozen Scratchy in an ice block for an ice-sculpting contest. Itchy begins to slice Scratchy with a chainsaw, but then Poochie walks in.]
Well, look who's here!
Hi, Poochie. You look like you've got something to say. Do you?
Yes, I certainly do! [his image freezes, and we hear Myers's voice dubbing over the image, saying...] I have to go now. My planet needs me.
[The animation cel with Poochie on it actually slides upward in a choppy manner as a slide-whistle sound is heard. Then a handwritten note in red marker appears, reading: "NOTE: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet."]
Wow! Poochie came from another planet?
Uh, I guess...
Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen! Those finks double-crossed me! [see Krusty on TV]
Poochie's dead! [laughing; children in the audience cheer loudly] Well, kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! [Blue-Haired Lawyer examines the affidavit]
This document conforms to all applicable laws and statutes. [kids cheer]
Is this seat taken, little girl?
I'm not a girl! Are you blind?!
[sadly] Yes...
[he drops a heavy jar of pennies to the ground] Aw, nuts! [echoes] Hello? China? Little help?
Homer, what have you got against gays?
You know! It's not...usual! If there was a law, it would be against it!
Oh, please, Homer, you're embarrassing yourself!
No, I'm not, Marge! They're embarrassing me! They're embarrassing America! They turned the Navy into a floating joke. They ruined all our best names, like Bruce, and Lance, and Julian. Those were the toughest names we had! Now they're just, uh...
Queer?
Yeah! And that's another thing: I resent you people using that word. That's our word for making fun of you! We need it! Well, I'm taking back our word, and I'm taking back my son!
[to workers] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.
[waving in a sissy-like way] Hell-o-o!
[gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?
[High-pitched effeminate voice] Stand still, there's a spark in your hair!
[Similar voice] Get it, get it, get it!
[Homer whimpers]
[walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants] Hot stuff, comin' through!
Aah!
Dad, why'd you bring me to a gay steel mill?
I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! [to the workers; angrily turns red] YOU'RE ALL SICK!
[waves his hand] Oh, be nice!
Ohh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay! [a whistle goes off] Oh my God, what's happening now?
We work hard. We play hard.
[He pulls a chain, and the entire mill is transformed into a night club called "The Anvil", with all the workers dancing to "Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)". Homer slowly backs away, frightened, covering Bart's eyes.]
It's the Krusty the Klown Prison Special!
[singing] I slugged some jerk in Tahoe, they gave me one-to-three / My high-priced lawyer sprung me on a technicality / I'm just visiting Springfield Prison / I get to sleep at home tonight...
[Angry mutterings from the convict audience.]
Hey, I kid! I kid 'cause I love! I tell ya, the best folk in the world are prison folk!
[Cheering.]
Man, those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
And vice versa.
And whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.
[Bart screams as he sees Sideshow Bob on TV, runs upstairs to his room, door closes]
He said tried!
Someone should really go up there and talk to him.
[Lisa sighs as she goes upstairs to checks on Bart in his room]
[Homer sighs]
Homer!
Ohh, all those stairs.
[Homer, Marge and Maggie goes upstairs to checks on Bart in his room]
Title Card: Frasier is a hit show on the NBC Television Network.
Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? [Picks up two wine bottles] I have the '82 Château Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan-Ségla.
I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.
That would be the Latour, then. [Cecil pours the Latour into a wine glass].
Oh, come now! You've wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college?
I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.
Thanks for driving me, big brother. These giants clown mitts are extremely hilarious, but they do make it difficult to shift gears.
That's the title of Erma Bombeck's latest, isn't it?
[During Cecil's audition to be Krusty's sidekick, his pie gag falls flat. Krusty and his producers are unimpressed.]
Free comedy tip, Slick: the pie gag's only funny if the sap's got dignity. [notices Bob dressed up] Like that guy. Hey, Hal! Pie job for Lord Autumnbottom there!
[A pie hits Bob in the face. His hat flies off and his hair springs up to his signature palm tree afro with a "boing!" sound.]
Oh, dear.
[Krusty and his producers laugh uproariously. Gradually, Bob begins to appreciate the recognition and smiles.]
That guy's a genius! He's gonna change the way we think about getting hit by pies. You're hired!
[Cecil is dismayed when he sees Bob getting hired for a job he wanted so bad.]
When that pie hit your face, I saw my dreams explode in a burst of cream and crust. But I suppose I should thank you. After all, it lead me to my true calling.
Cecil, no civilisation in history has ever considered chief hydrological engineer a calling.
[Cecil clears his throat]
Yes, yes, the Cappadocians, fine.
[Cecil and Bob arrive at a flowing river by the cliff.]
Here it is, the future site of the Springfield Hydroelectric Dam.
Just the thought of all that raw surging power makes me wonder why the Hell I should care.
Because you'll be supervising the construction crew.
Oh great. Whenever a woman passes by, I suppose it will be my job to lead the hooting. 'Oh yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital knockers!'
[After Cecil locks Bob, Bart and Lisa inside the collapsing dam]
Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!
[offended] Oh, I see. When it's one of my schemes, you can't foil it fast enough, but when Cecil tries to kill you, [mockingly] "it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
