HHapablap
What in the World According to Garp? Those are my dress towels! [starts banging door] Who's in my private washroom? McGuckett, let me in!
[writing down notes with an exaggerated accent] The door already is closed.
HHapablap
What?! This is Colonel Leslie "Hap" Hapablap! If you don't open that door, I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a snot party!
You say you're in the military?
HHapablap
Sweet Enola Gay, son! I'm gonna come in there and corpse you up! Corpse you up and mail you to mama!
GGuard
Authorization code.
Code?! Son, this is Colonel Hapablap! This fool McGuckett sprayed runway foam all over Chuck Yeager's Acura! Now get down there with the chamois triple-time!
GGuard
But Colonel, I'm under restricted orders...
Sweet Enola Gay, son! Get moving or I'll tear you up like a Kleenex at a... [cringing] snot party.
GGuard
Sir, right away, sir!
[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]
Look at that hunk of junk.
[sputters] You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did.
How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?
I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets.
[speaking on a large TV screen] Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?
Surely he's not talking about VH1.
Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation...and scrimshaw. Thus I submit to you, we abolish television...permanently!
Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!
Oh, and one more thing-- I've stolen a nuclear weapon. And if you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell. [Bob cuts the link, then turns it back on] By the way, I'm well aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.
Alright, Bob, it's over. Come out with your hands up.
Noooo! How did they find me?
[The Duff blimp's variable message sign alerts the police to Sideshow Bob's hideout]
[Sideshow Bob deflates the blimp and kidnaps Bart]
[constricted] He's getting away!
[A drumroll sounds]
AAnnouncer
Live, from the Springfield Civic Auditorium — it's the Simpsons 138th episode spectacular!
[Trumpet fanfare as Troy McClure walks on]
[walking on] Hello, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as "Alien Nose Job" and "Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show." Tonight we're here to honor America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family. You'll see long lost footage, never-before-seen material from your favourite episodes, old fav routes you can't see in syndication. [Clips of MG07, 8F13, 2F20, and 9F03 run quickly] So join me, won't you, for the Simpsons 138th episode spectacular.
"The Simpsons" began as the brainchild of cartoonist Matt Groening, [screen shows a bald man with an eyepatch saluting in front of a US flag and looking menacing] the already-famous creator of such comics as "Damnation", "Johnny Reb", and "True Murder Stories". [screen shows each] In 1987, Groening teamed up with award-winning producers James L. Brooks [shot if 8F01-esque rich man surrounded by bags of money] and Sam Simon. [shot of Howard Hughes-esque naked man typing in bed] And what better place to premiere their creation that on "The Tracy Ullman Show", the nation's showcase for psychiatrist jokes and musical comedy numbers? On April 19, 1987, America first met "The Simpsons".
Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpsons episode. You can't show me anything new." [harsh] You've got some attitude, mister! Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes, episodes run long, and certain scenes never get aired. So fire up your VCR, because here, for the first time ever, are the cut-out classics.
[Deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV.]
I'd sell my soul for a Formula 1 racing car.
[Devil Flanders appears with a Formula 1 racing car.]
DFDevil Flanders
Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.
[Devil Flanders vanishes.]
Bart, stop pestering Satan!
[voiceover] A few years back, Bart was adopted by Mr. Burns. In this very special outtake, Homer attempts a reconciliation with his estranged son. Watch.
[Deleted scene from Burns' Heir.]
Bart, you're coming home!
I wanna stay here with Mr. Burns!
[threateningly] I suggest you leave immediately.
Or what? You'll release the dogs or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead: Do your worst!
"My worst," eh? Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons!
[Smithers pulls a lever on the side of the house. A door on the side of the stairs slides up, revealing a pear-shaped robot in a tank top and short-shorts with Richard Simmons' hair and voice. The robot walks up to Homer]
RSRobotic Simmons
Come on, big boys! Shake the butter off those buns!
[A speaker slides out the side of his head, blaring "Shake Your Booty" by K.C. and the Sunshine Band. The robot begins disco dancing and Homer tries to back away from him; Homer then runs screaming from Burns' manor; as Burns, Bart, and Smithers keep watching, they turn and find the robotic Simmons right next to them, still dancing and still playing "Shake Your Booty"]
RSRobotic Simmons
Come on, come on, now. Shake, shake, shake. [continues dancing]
Smithers, he's out of control!
I'll take him out, sir. [extracts his shotgun from his jacket pocket and shoots the robot square in the eye; the blown out eye reforms and the robot continues dancing, only this time, the music is warped and the robot begins shaking violently]
[Smithers, Burns, and Bart run screaming back into the house as the Robotic Simmons explodes, his head landing miles away at the mansion's front gate].
