[a dream cloud has himself making bacon on the beach] Oh. Bacon!
“New Kid on the Block” · Season 4
In this episode: Homer Simpson (6), Marge Simpson (2), Bart Simpson (1), Lisa Simpson (1), Lionel Hutz (1), Sea Captain (1), Zookeeper (1)
This is where the Winfields hid their mutated son.
Bart, the Winfields didn't have a son!
See that sock over there? It was his only friend. [high-pitched voice] Hello, Lisa. Here in the dark, you won't need those eyes.
Bart! It's not funny!
There are some who say the monster is still... [flips his eyelids] HERE!!! [Lisa runs off, screaming]
[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]
[to Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters!! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.
[On the other end of the line.]
WWoman
I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.
[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]
AAbby
No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down.
MAMan at the Kabul
Sometimes I think you want to fail!
[Homer and Marge are sitting at their table at The Frying Dutchman, a waiter is taking their order]
WWaiter
I’m sorry ma’am but everything on the menu has fish in it.
What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?
WWaiter
Yes.
Well, I have some Tic-Tacs in my purse [looking through her purse]
WWaiter
Excellent choice. [writes on his notepad then turns to Homer] And for the gentleman?
All you can eat! All you can eat!
WWaiter
All right, when you’re ready, take this plate over- [holds up a small plate to give to Homer but he is already taking a tray from the buffet table]
KSKitchen staff member
Please, don’t take the steam tray! Sir!
LLaura
[finding out some nincompoop teleported in Texas at an arcade] If I hit the "remorse" button one more time, I would've made it!
[It is now 6:00 at night and Homer is still eating relentlessly as Marge is sleeping across the table from him. The staff members and the Sea Captain watch in awe]
TWTeenage waiter
That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters.
'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. Argh. [walks over to Marge and Homer] 6 bells, time for closing.
Can't talk. Eating.
Fairly warned be thee, says I. [he snaps his fingers and two waiters drag Homer out of the restaurant as he is still eating]
Hey. Hey! Hey! [runs back to the buffet table, starts shovelling food with his hands and the waiters drag him out again as Marge follows on foot] But the sign said "All You Can Eat"!
Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.
We pretty much went straight home.
Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.
We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.
And when you couldn't find any?
[crying] We went fishing!
[to the jury] Do these sound like the actions of a man who'd had all he could eat?
JThe Jury
[all of whom are incredibly obese] No!
OPOne Particular Fat Juror
That could have been me!
Zookeeper! Zookeeper, those two monkeys are killing each other!
[quietly, to Homer's ear] They're having sex.
Oh.
Maybe you're right. Now, if you'll excuse us... [Marge leaves] this is a sacred moment between a boy and his father. Son, a woman is a lot like, um... a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and-- Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drinks his can of Duff Beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman. [grabs another can of Duff Beer from the refrigerator]
(hours later, the kitchen table is littered with beer cans. Homer is visibly drunk while Bart has lost interest in the conversation)
Homer (drunkenly): ...so I sez, "Yeah? If you want that money, come and find it, 'cuz I don't where it is, ya baloney! You make me wanna retch!" (falls asleep, snoring)
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.