The Simpsons · Season 2
[offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!
[to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?
[chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.
[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea]
[sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]
Right, sir. It's...scalding me as we speak.
[Somewhere in Liverpool]
Dear Sally, in response to your letter of December the 12th, 1966, me favorite color is blue, and me real first name is Richard. Thanks for the snapshot, you're a real cute bird. Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
Mr. Starr, tea and crumpets.
Just set it over there.
Sir, if you'll forgive an old Brit his impertinence, your devotion to your fans is nothing short of remarkable.
Well, Weatherby, they took the time to write me, and I don't care if it takes me another 20 years. I'm going to answer every one of them. [picks up a large envelope] Hello, what's this? From Springfield, U.S.A. [sees painting of him] Gear!
[voiceover via letter] Dear Marge, thanks for the fab painting of yours truly. I hung it on me wall. [sic] You're quite an artist. In answer to your question, yes we do have hamburgers in England, but we call French Fries "chips". Love, Ringo. P.S. Forgive the lateness of my reply.
And here's comes Snowball II. This is the one we kept.
EWWW!!
We were gonna keep the grey one, but the mother ate her.
EWWWW!!!
Mrs. Krabappel, he's traumatizing the children!
As usual, I agree with you, Martin. Bart, shut that off and take your seat immediately!
Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make 'em go back in!
AAAHHHHHH!!!!
[excitedly] As your president, I would demand a science fiction library, featuring an ABC of the overlords of the genre: Asimov, Bester, Clarke –
What about Ray Bradbury?
[dismissively] – I'm aware of his work. [excitedly] Thank you, and keep watching the skies!
Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?
No. Homework's not my father's specialty.
Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad-
Not mine.
You didn't let me finish-
Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.
Mr. Simpson, I'm going to be presumptuous. I have noticed that Lisa seems to feel she has no strong male role model.
She said that?
Well...no, she didn't say it, but, you know, she-
But you can tell, right? She looks around and sees everybody else's dad with a good education, youthful looks, and a clean credit record, and thinks, "Why me?! What did I do to deserve this fat old piece of...?!" [cries]
Mr. Simpson, you have got to be a bigger man. There is a wonderful girl's future at stake.
[perking up again] Well, if she's so wonderful, give her an A!
I am giving her an A.
Great, but don't tell her it was a favor to me. Tell her she earned it.
Mr. Simpson, she did earn it.
You are smooth, I'll give you that.
[Homer goes into Lisa's room, where she is crying, to comfort her]
Lisa, don't hold anything back. You can tell me. Are you crying because you called daddy a baboon?
[angrily] No!
Nuts. [accidentally sits on her dollhouse] D'oh! This isn't going well at all...
Look, if you just want me to forgive you-
No, no, no, I just wish I knew what to say. [opens her music box, activating it] Although maybe this music will help. Now, you lost someone special and it hurt. I'm lucky because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is under this roof. [Lisa groans; patting her head] It's true. Now, you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together, and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks. [sighs] Ah well, maybe I can't explain all this, but I can fix your dollhouse for you. At least I'm good at...monkey work. [smiling] You know - "monkey"? You know what I mean? [nudges her playfully]
[cheering up a bit] Yeah...
I can hold these nails in place with my tail. [chuckles and makes monkey noises]
[starting to laugh with him] You're so silly.
Gimme a banana!
I don't have any bananas!
Come on, you're holding out on me! [lifts her up and makes more monkey noises as they both keep laughing]
I'm sorry I called you a baboon, Dad.
Think nothing of it.
[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party]
If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.
Thank you, Doctor.
Remember, I said "if".
[Homer is explaining to Bart in his room about his drunken behavior]
About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.
I understand why. You were wasted.
I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.
Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.
Tell you what. I'm gonna show you something very special if you promise to put your grubby little hands behind your back and keep 'em there. [opens a metal suitcase] Behold!
Wow! Radioactive Man #1!
None other!
It must be worth a million bucks...
It is, my lad. But I'll let you have it for $100, because you remind me of me.
[grumbles] Moon pies my butt, somebody oughtta moon pie her.
What's the problem, boy?
I've been bustin my hump all week for that withered old clam and all I got was 50 cents.
Hey, when I was your age 50 cents was a lot of money.
Really?
Nah.
Dad, I've done everything I could and I've only got 35 bucks! Ughh! I am through with working, working is for chumps.
[sits up, pats Bart's head] Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out.
Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
[lights up] RELAX. EVERYTHING IS FINE.
Ooh! [strong applause]
MINOR LEAK. ROLL UP WINDOWS.
Oh. [moderate applause]
MELTDOWN. FLEE CITY. [weak applause] CORE EXPLOSION. REPENT SINS.
[Entire crowd stares in stunned silence, save for Homer, Carl and Lenny, who snicker at that sign]
Joke's on them. If the core exploded, there wouldn't even be any power to light that sign!
[about Homer's insulting letter to Mr Burns] The last place I saw it...
Uh-huh...
Was in my hand...
Yeah...
Bart': As I was shoving it into the mailbox.
[shouting] D'OOOOOOOOH!!! [upset] Why did you do that?!
Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured-
[turns red with anger] I'LL SHOW YOU "MAD IN THE MORNING"! [starts strangling Bart]
Homer, you encouraged him! You should be strangling yourself!
[sobbing as he tries] She's right! Don't panic. They don't pick up the mail till noon. There's still time! [yanks Bart away]
[Homer and Bart are at the post office to try and intercept Homer's letter to Mr. Burns]
[speaking in a deeper voice but otherwise having made no attempt whatsoever to disguise himself] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
[pause] I...don't know. [cut to Homer and Bart, sitting on the staircase outside the post office, looking dejected; sarcastically] Great plan, Bart.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
