Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!
S Sign
[lights up] RELAX. EVERYTHING IS FINE.
C Crowd
Ooh! [strong applause]
S Sign
MINOR LEAK. ROLL UP WINDOWS.
C Crowd
Oh. [moderate applause]
S Sign
MELTDOWN. FLEE CITY. [weak applause] CORE EXPLOSION. REPENT SINS.
[Entire crowd stares in stunned silence, save for Homer, Carl and Lenny, who snicker at that sign]
Joke's on them. If the core exploded, there wouldn't even be any power to light that sign!
[about Homer's insulting letter to Mr Burns] The last place I saw it...
Bart': As I was shoving it into the mailbox.
[shouting] D'OOOOOOOOH!!! [upset] Why did you do that?!
Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured-
[turns red with anger] I'LL SHOW YOU "MAD IN THE MORNING"! [starts strangling Bart]
Homer, you encouraged him! You should be strangling yourself!
[sobbing as he tries] She's right! Don't panic. They don't pick up the mail till noon. There's still time! [yanks Bart away]
[Homer and Bart are at the post office to try and intercept Homer's letter to Mr. Burns]
[speaking in a deeper voice but otherwise having made no attempt whatsoever to disguise himself] Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.
PO Post office clerk
Okay, Mr. Burns. What's your first name?
[pause] I...don't know. [cut to Homer and Bart, sitting on the staircase outside the post office, looking dejected; sarcastically] Great plan, Bart.
[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns]
The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.
Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!
Well then...I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.
Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!
Well...then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Perhaps there is no moral to this story.
Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.
But it certainly was a memorable few days.
[The family laughs]
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