The Simpsons · Season 15
Nelson, you're running for school president?
I'm not saying I have all the answers. But, I do have all the answer keys...to every test.
(A group of students and their teacher crowd around Nelson)
Fractions, dinosaurs, foreign money, the first Thanksgiving...
Nelson, what are you doing?
Real-estate license exam?
My ticket to freedom!
Lisa, what are you doing? This is the kind of trouble making I expect from your brother!
You do? Cool, a blank check for mayhem!
(Bart picks up a brick and throws it at a window; however, it ricochets off the unbreakable glass and hits him in the head, knocking him out)
Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Seymour Sucks!"
I'm so happy with my evil plan
Say goodbye to music, gym and art.
Soon we will have the perfect school
Where fun and excitement never start.
I'm so drunk I can barely see
But it helps me get through another day!
My stomach is filled with haggis and ham
I've got to go puke in some hay...
Lisa is a fool!
I think the rules are cool.
I'VE FALLEN IN THE POOL!!
Hello. Welcome to the United Kingdom.
Prime Minister Tony Blair?
Why are you greeting lowlifes like us at the airport?
Because I want to encourage all the world to come see the beauty of 21st century Britain.
Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?
No, but thank you.
Tony, I mean, Mr. Prime Minister, what should we see first?
There's so much to see here. Parliament, Stratford-on-Avon, the White Cliffs of Dover, oh, and since you Americans love castles, there's a huge one in Edinburgh, the city where I was born.
The place where I was born is now a gator farm.
Smashing.
Maybe you could give us a personal tour of your country?
I'd love to. But I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at Gate 23. Cheerio.
[puts on a jetpack and flies off, James Bond-style]
Wow, I can't believe we met Mr. Bean!
Welcome to Judi Dench's Fish and Chips, (inside) now completely free of mad fish disease.
Fish? I dunno, I'm not really a vegetarian.
Please order, or Miss Dench'll be furious. She'll beat us, she will.
Who are you talking to?
No-one, Mum, I swear!
I'll Mum you! (punches him)
Blimey--!
[The family spot J.K. Rowling emerging from a bookshop]
Look, it's J.K. Rowling, author of the Harry Potter books! You've turned a generation of kids onto reading.
Thank you, young Muggle.
Can you tell me what happens at the end of the series?
[sarcastically] He grows up and marries you. Is that what you want to hear?
[happily] Yes...
[Rowling rolls her eyes and walks away]
We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.
You mean MacBeth? (car splashes water onto Ian)
Quiet you blundering fool! You'll curse us all!
What, by saying MacBeth? (anvil falls on Ian's foot)
Stop saying it!
Saying what?
MacBeth! Uh! Now I've said it (Ian gets struck by lightning)
Oh, this is cool. MacBeth, MacBeth, MacBeth. (lightning strikes three times)
Bart! Stop saying MacBeth! (lightning strikes)
Mom, you said MacBeth! (lightning strikes)
Mr. MacBeth, I'm so sorry! (lightning strikes)
That's quite alright, you didn't know. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a performance to give.
Good luck!
It's bad luck to say that too! (MacBeth sign falls on Ian's head)
That was very sweet of the Queen, letting you go in exchange for taking Madonna back to America.
[inside a zip-up bag] I'm telling you! I'm English!
English women don't pump gas naked.
See ya in Atlanta, jerk.
[Homer has been making something with the "Kitchen Carnival" overnight]
[to Lisa] I'm gonna pour caramel on my clothes, and then finally I can eat my shorts!
[They both yell in shock as they see Homer with a truly massive ball of caramel-covered cotton candy]
What is that?!
[proudly] This is 85 pounds of tooth-melting sugar! Dig in!
[Bart and Lisa immediately do so]
That's it, kids, suckle Daddy's sugar ball.
That hilarious footage was shot by local hunter, Grant Connor - not with a gun, but with a camera!
That's right, Kent. I often get guns and cameras confused. One time, tragically, at a wedding...
[After developing a fear of bears, Homer gets scared by a teddy bear and knocks down a bookshelf; the books fall all over him, and he looks through their front covers]
[scared] The Bear Went Over the Mountain?! The Berenstain Bears?! [relaxing] Oh, Goldilocks... [scared again] AND THE THREE BEARS!
[He flees into the kitchen, sliding across the table and finding himself faced with bear-themed groceries]
Oh god, they're in our food! Teddy Grahams! Gummy bears!
[He hallucinates Winnie-the-Pooh, Paddington Bear, Smokey Bear, the Chicago Bears and others marching towards him, to the tune of "The Teddy Bears' Picnic"]
Are you a Care Bear?
[wielding a crowbar] I'm an Intensive Care Bear.
Why does a bear need a crowbar?
[shrugs] Eh, I don't like to get my hands dirty.
Dad, you can't take revenge on an animal. That's the whole point of Moby-Dick.
Lisa, the point of Moby-Dick is be yourself!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
