Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody! Peace, man.
S1Bart the General
S1Moaning Lisa
Lisa! What did I tell ya about playing that saxamah-thing in the house?!
I was just playing the blues...Dad. [sobs]
[now feeling sorry] Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell. Go ahead, play your blues if it'll make you happy.
No, that's okay, Dad. [sniff] I'll just work on my fingering, unless my fingers clacking on the keys is too loud for you.
Let's hear it. [Lisa starts clacking for a while] You just clack as loud as you want, Lis.
Where the hell are my keys? Who stole my keys? Come on, I'm late for work! [lifts Maggie and looks underneath]
Oh, Homer, you'd lose your head if it weren't securely fastened to your neck.
Did you check the den?
The den! Great idea! [heads into the den with Bart following him and he begins to pull couch apart]
Warm. No, cold. Colder. Ice cold.
You know where my keys are?
No, I'm talking about your breakfast. [laughs]
GRRRRH!!!
Did you check the rumpus room?
Rumpus room? Great idea! [runs to front door] Huh?
Oh, Dad? [points. The keys are still in the door lock]
D'oh!
S1The Call of the Simpsons
Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.
That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.
[Marge and Lisa groan in disgust, knowing Homer has ignored their attempts to try and help him navigate the woods]
[Bob the RV salesman checks Homer's credit on a computer, and a siren wails when the results come back]
Is that a good siren? Am I approved?
You ever known a siren to be good? [chuckles] No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind, telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella, and you're outta business." That's what the siren says. It seems that the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range. And wee bit is me being polite, you couldn't afford this thing even if you lived to be a million.
Don't you have something that isn't out of my price range? I don't want to go away empty handed, Bob.
Take it easy, there. Don't ruin this feeling I'm getting from you. Perhaps I can show you something a little more you.
S1The Telltale Head
[Bart skateboards down to the movie theater]
Hey, hot dog.
What? [crashes into a lamp post]
Nice dismount, man. [he and his friends laugh]
Didn't hurt.
Oh, yeah? Well, do it again!
Nah. Might land on my face and end up looking like you.
[Chief Wiggum leads a press conference about the town statue]
[clears throat] Well, we have no witnesses, no suspects, and no leads. If anyone has any information, please dial "0" and ask for the police. That number again, "0."
S1Life on the Fast Lane
JJacques
It is nice to meet you... [looks at name on Marge's bowling ball] Homer.
Oh, no, no..."Homer" is my...ball's name. I'm Marge.
JJacques
[chuckles to himself] Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They're far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter. More delicate. Here. Use my ball.
Hmm...No, no, thank you, Mister - um - [looks at Jacques' ball] Brunswick.
JJacques
Call me Jacques.
Jacques.
JJacques
Marge.
Hmm...I'll just use my ball.
JJacques
As you wish. Many people have senseless attachments to heavy, clumsy things, such as this "Homer" of yours.
JJacques
Marge, Darling, I...I want to see you tomorrow. Not at Barney's Bowl-a-Rama. Away from the thunderous folly of clattering pins. Meet me tomorrow for brunch!
What's brunch?
JJacques
You'll love it. It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch. But it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end! You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal!
S1Homer's Night Out
[weighs himself] 239 lbs? Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are good things so tasty?
[weighs himself again after six months] OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer! [stretches in front of the bathroom mirror]
[enters] Ohhh...Don't strain yourself, dear.
Good idea, Marge.
[as Bart takes a picture of him in the bathroom] Bart! What are you doing?
Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is a top secret.
[Bart takes a picture of Marge shaving her armpits next]
Oh, Bart.
What?
Go take some wildlife pictures.
[he does, and takes a picture of a roadkill squirrel]
[Homer pays a visit to the Kwik-E-Mart, after he has unknowingly become famous from his photo with Princess Kashmir being posted all over town]
One glazed, and one Scratch-'N-Win, please.
AApu
You look familiar, sir. Are you on the television or something?
Sorry, buddy. You got me confused with Fred Flintstone. [chuckles; Apu hands him his lottery ticket and he starts to scratch it off] Oh. Liberty Bell. [scratches some more and gasps] Another Liberty Bell! One more and I'm a millionaire. Come on, Liberty Bell, please, please, please, please, please, please! [scratches to reveal a plum] D'oh! That purple fruit thing. Where were you yesterday?
[Homer gets out of his car, whistling, arrives home, Marge furiously opens a door, Homer gasps]
[holding up a picture of Homer and Princess Kashmir] What is the meaning of this?!
Meaningless, Marge. Don't even attempt to find meaning in it. There's nothing between me and Princess Kashmir.
Princess who?!
[walks by] Hey, my photo!
HMHomer and Marge
Your photo?!
Uh-oh.
Why you little- [about to choke Bart]
Why you big- [chokes Homer] Bart, go to your room!
I'm outta here. [leaves]
Look, Marge, honey, baby, doll, I-
Homer, I don't even want to look at you right now.
What are you saying, honey? But where will I sleep?
My suggestion...is for you to sleep in the filth you created!
Would a motel be okay? [Marge slams the door in Homer's face. Sadly, he walks away from his house and heads for his car. Marge opens the house door] Oh, I knew you'd come to your-
[throws a suitcase at Homer] Here. If you have any soul left, you'll need these. I know I will. [closes the door as she goes back inside]
[Homer sitting in tears in the front of his house]
[speaks on a phone] Marge! Marge! We're gonna try one more place, the Sapphire Lounge. [angrily turns to Bart] Bart! I said look at the floor!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.