The Simpsons quotes

Lisa

Ah, it's good to be home.

Homer

I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.

Bart

It's not so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. [spits it out]

Marge

Bart, stop that. Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless artwork, but we have everything we need, right here.

Homer

That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have... [crying] Oh, I can't even finish! I wanna be rich! [drops to the floor, as the scene fades to black. The names of the executive producers appear] Like these guys! [The credits for the actors start to roll] And look at all these rich people here! Not as rich they should be, of course, but still rich! [sobbing] Big money! Look at all the names, that all have money, and have lots of money! [Richard K. Chung's name is on screen] Oh, he's poor. [sobbing again] But look at all the other people who aren't...! Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! I should send a list of these names to the IRS! I'm taking 'em all down! [Continues crying as the credits keep rolling] Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh! Oh, look at that rich...! [The Gracie Films logo goes "Shh!"] Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

Marge

Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?

Comic Book Guy

Excuse me, I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences.

Homer

Anybody care what this guy thinks?

No!

Man, that horse don't take no guff from nobody.

Guff?!

I mean shi-- [both punch Nelson]

Homer

Did that really happen, or was it just a wonderful dream?

[suddenly appears] No dream! Lose the race, fat boy! [Homer sobs]

Homer

Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.

Bart

You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning was everything.

Homer

Oh, it is, it is. But we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.

Bart

Maybe, but if Duncan wins the derby, he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.

Homer

Well, it is a good life. Believe me. [giggles] All right, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Bart

Huh?

Homer

I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Homer

Ooh, a bobby pin. [ducks down, letting Maude get hit by T-shirts and fall to her death]

Ned Flanders

[gasps] Maude?

Dr. Hibbert

Oh, my lord! She's dead!

Ned Flanders

[gasps]

Marge

It's hard to believe that we'll never see Maude again.

Ned

I can't believe my last words to Maude were, "No foot-longs."

Homer

Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. I'm the one who drove her out of her seat. I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [notices Ned glaring at him] Yeah, I, uh... but there's no point in playing the blame game.

Homer

I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!

Ned

Are you sure?

Homer

Positive! There's a lot of hot people up there. There's John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes--

Ned

Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a character.

Homer

Oh, he sure was! [does a sexy growl]

Bart

Dad, why are you taping Flanders?

Homer

You'll see. [he chuckles]

Bart

Do you even have a job anymore?

Homer

I think it's pretty obvious that I don't.

Homer

So if you're tired of dating the same old losers!

Carl

...What are you doing, Homer?

Reverend Lovejoy

In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases or comical accents.

Groundskeeper Willie

Aye.

Yargh.

Reverend Lovejoy

But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there...and we thought she always would be.

You're watching PBS.

Bart

You're watching PBS?!

Homer

Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.

Bart

Cheeky!

It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!