OGOscar The Grouch
Give us the money!
EElmo
Elmo knows where you live!
S11Missionary: Impossible
[Homer has just arrived on the island and he doesn't know what to do]
You're leaving! Wait! What do I do here!
AAmy
First of all, forget everything you learned in Missionary school.
Done.
CCraig
We taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.
QQtoktok
So, are you enjoying your ox testicle?
Yeah.
QQtoktok
Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious.
Nah, I'm good.
[Shortly after there is a small earthquake]
Ahh! What was that?!
QQtoktok
We call that-- [starts making gagging and choking noises] sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that, "earthquake".
Oh great, now my testicle's got ants on it!
S11Pygmoelian
MMoe
[after looking at his face in the year's calendar] Am I really that ugly?
Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? [Lenny gasps] Is Barney that drunk? [Barney gasps] Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? [Homer gasps]
MMoe
Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! [He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.]
[to the audience] See, this is why I don't talk much.
MMoe
I've been called "Ugly," "Pug Ugly," "Fugly," "Pug Fugly." But never "Ugly-Ugly!"
Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure.
GRGay Republican #1
What we need is a symbol that says, "We're gay and Republican!
[Maggie's pink elephant-shaped balloon floats into the room.]
GRGay Republican #2
A little on-the-nose, don't you think?
[reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?
GRGay Republican
We're realistic.
MMoe
Okay, last stop, Channel 6.
You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers?
MMoe
Nah, nah, nah, this is personal. [Flashback.] It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow in the hit soap, "It Never Ends". [Reads a script.] 'Angela, I'm afraid I...'
PProducer
Thank you, next! What were you thinking?
CDCasting Director
Well, you said you wanted gritty, in other words, ugly.
PProducer
I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island-ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes-ugly. TV-ugly not ugly-ugly.
MMoe
Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.
I know what you mean. Our dog had that.
[during the Toss The Drunk contest at Duff Days]
TTitania
Ew! [to Duffman] You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!
Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yeah!
[with a sticker covering his face] Duffman can't breathe. Oh no!
PProducer
You idiot -- Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.
MMoe
Whaa?
PProducer
[holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.
MMoe
I thought dreams was on goldenrod.
PProducer
No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.
S11Bart to the Future
Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!
Don't you mean "present?"
Right, right. Present.
[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]
So, how was everyone's day?
Appointed a Supreme Court justice.
Bewitched marathon.
Searched for Lincoln's gold.
Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.
Then what is his ghost protecting?
As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Milhouse?
Milhouse [shows a chart]: We're broke.
The country is broke? How can that be?
Well, remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children? Big mistake.
PLPresident Lisa's Aide
The balanced breakfast program just created a generation of ultra-strong super-criminals.
And midnight basketball taught them to function without sleep.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.