[Mr. Burns is filling in a medical form.]
Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.
“The Mansion Family” · Season 11
In this episode: Homer Simpson (8), Marge Simpson (4), Lisa Simpson (4), Bart Simpson (3), Moe Szyslak (3), Mr. Burns (2), Lenny Leonard (2), Krusty the Clown (1)
A mechanical dressing dealy! Watch this, Marge. [tries out the mechanical dressing room, which ends up injured] I'm ready to hit the town.
[Bart is riding his bike through the hallways of Mr. Burns' mansion; he hits and upturns a table before cycling off.]
I'm Al Unser Jr.!
[Lisa rides through the hallway on a horse.]
[British accent] I'm Princess Margaret!
[A heavily drunken Homer rides through the hallway and crashes through the upturned table on a rideable lawnmower.]
[slurred] I'm DRUNK!
[The family is sitting at the gigantic dining room table]
Mom! Bart's making faces at me! [looks through opera glasses] ...I think.
LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO YELL!
This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes. [picks up an extra long fork] Hmm I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with with this one?
[in a posh accent] Why Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.
Homer watch your lang- [scratches herself] Ooh! That's a life saver!
But housesitting is a sacred... [wine glass stain flies all over her] Hey! [wipes them off her face]
Stop swirling, Homer!
Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me! Not you, not its rightful owner, not anyone! [downs entire goblet of brandy] And another thing: if I eve- [passes out]
All I'm saying is, don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.
Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party!
Party?! No! No parties!
What about "par-tays"?
No "part-tays", no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials!
Damn! [looks at a box social invitation, featuring an image of him on an old-fashioned bicycle] And I looked so good on that bike...
Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting real ugly...
[We see Moe using a bullwhip to keep the others away from kegs of beer]
MMoe
I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!!!
Legally, you could give us free beer! [Moe thinks for a moment, then whips him] Ow!
Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds? [Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers] Sucker! [starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands] Ow!
DDoctor
Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.
You mean I have pneumonia?
DDoctor
Yes.
Juvenile diabetes?
DDoctor
Yes.
Hysterical pregnancy?!
DDoctor
Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.
You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?
Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics". They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.
[Sure enough, two monkeys are fighting with knives while a cheering crowd watches]
MMoe
Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab! [one of the monkeys screams] Ha-ha! He ain't pretty no more!
[The pirates prepare to dump all of the party-goers overboard]
MMoe
Aw, I'm gonna die, and I've never even tasted cantaloupe!
Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.
[The net full of party-goers is thrown overboard, but it partially floats]
Hey, whaddya know, it floats!
That was my plan all along! Now relax, and the currents will take us home.
What about the people on the bottom?
They're the greatest heroes of all... Hey, something's clawing at my leg!... Okay, it stopped.
Ah, it's good to be home.
I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.
It's not so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. [spits it out]
Bart, stop that. Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless artwork, but we have everything we need, right here.
That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have... [crying] Oh, I can't even finish! I wanna be rich! [drops to the floor, as the scene fades to black. The names of the executive producers appear] Like these guys! [The credits for the actors start to roll] And look at all these rich people here! Not as rich they should be, of course, but still rich! [sobbing] Big money! Look at all the names, that all have money, and have lots of money! [Richard K. Chung's name is on screen] Oh, he's poor. [sobbing again] But look at all the other people who aren't...! Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! I should send a list of these names to the IRS! I'm taking 'em all down! [Continues crying as the credits keep rolling] Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh! Oh, look at that rich...! [The Gracie Films logo goes "Shh!"] Don't shush me, you rich bastard!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.