You hear that, boy? You're gonna be a racing pigeon! It's getting a little chilly; I better put a blanket on Ray.
S22How Munched is That Birdie in the Window?
S22The Fight Before Christmas
[clicks his BB gun and kicks the office door with his foot, ready to murder Santa for not getting the dirt bike from him (who was actually Krusty in the costume); serious] No disrespect, fat man, but you'd better poop out a dirt bike.
KKrusty (Santa)
[busy] Close the door, boy. I can't afford to heat the whole North Pole!
[Bart looks around the office; the air was being pushed out of the steam radiator, the walls were torn a little, and the water from the ceiling was leaking]
[walks over to Krusty’s desk] Listen here, Kringle. I may have been naughty this year. But by today’s standards, naughty’s nothing. I didn’t get anybody pregnant. I didn’t Facebook a kid to death. Make with my dirt bike!
KKrusty (Santa)
Kid, this company’s bust! For years, I’ve been giving out free toys and getting cookies in return. It’s not a sustainable business model.
Oh, come on, man. Things aren’t that bad.
KKrusty (Santa)
They’re pretty bad. [scooping up and eating a red-nosed reindeer snout] I’m eating my own reindeer here!
[rolls his eyes, groans] You win.
KKrusty (Santa)
[chuckles] That's a good boy. [rubs Bart's head and gives him a candy cane] You go home now, and maybe there'll be a nice pair of work socks under your tree.
You don't have to do that. I have socks. I'll give you socks!
KKrusty (Santa)
Thanks, kid. Now you better head home. I'm sure in the 25 years of Earth time you've been gone, your parents must've gotten worried. [Bart leaves the office and closes the door] Kids never change. Always dumb as potatoes.
Hey, Simpson! How come you ain't in combat like a real man?
I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.
Kids, remember when I promised to feed us from that victory garden? Well, instead, I grew this tree!
Don't you dare bring that thing in here!
What? You don't want a Christmas tree?! That's crazy! Next you won't want a Christmas ham!
Don't worry about that. I love meat and I always will. [takes a bite out of a slice of ham] Mmm-mm! That is some sweet pig meat!
AAnnouncer
Tonight's Simpsons episode was brought to you by the symbol umlaut, and the number E. Not the letter E, but the number whose exponential function is the derivative of itself.
Well, it's been a long run; but I think this will kill it.
What, The Simpsons?
No, Christmas.
S22Donnie Fatso
Homer Simpson, you are hereby sentenced to ten years in the federal penitentiary.
[Marge and Lisa gasps]
It's okay. It's okay. I can be out in 18 months with good behavior.
We're Simpsons, Dad. We don't do good behavior.
[turn red in anger] Don't tell me I'm not capable of good behavior! [starts strangling Bart, then stops, turns his face normal]
[Homer's stint as a Mob informant has indirectly led to Fat Tony's death]
FFBI agent
Homer, I just want you to know that, out of all the informants the FBI has ever had, you were the snitchiest.
[bitterly] Oh, I see. You use me to kill a man, and all I get is a handshake and a blanket!
FFBI agent
I never shook your hand.
OFOther FBI agent
And we never said you could have the blanket. [takes the blanket away]
[Homer is talking with "Fit Tony", Fat Tony's cousin]
I keep my friends close...
But your enemies closer?
No! Why would I do that? If I kept my enemies close, they would kill me!
S22Moms I'd Like to Forget
All right, Comic Book Guy, tell me my origin story.
MMan
I will not relive that horror of that day! The answer is no, and I can say it in Na'vi or Klingon, which are pretty much the same. I have some theories on that, which I will share with you never.
ZZack
It was the fourth-graders.
Why do you have to eat peanuts in the shower? [cut to a hideous collection of peanut shells, hair, and dirt Marge pulled out the drain]
Can't start the day without that fresh-from-the-circus feeling! [walks out the bathroom humming clown music]
This was a night for Marge if I assume I'd be home at this hour.
S22Flaming Moe
Really? Right next to that Nacho-Cano?
S22Homer the Father
AApu
And America has so many enemies. Iran, Iraq, China, Mordor, the hoochies that laid low Tiger Woods, undesirable immigrants - by which I mean everyone that came after me, including my children...
I don't know. Can I really betray my country? I say the Pledge of Allegiance every day.
CChinese Agent
You pledge allegiance to the flag. And the flag is made in China.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.