[to Lisa] Sorry, my dad insisted on coming. [a bat appears and turns into Dracula] [clearly aggravated] Dad! I don't need a chaperone! I'm 400 years old!
DDracula
You live in my crypt, you play by my rules!
You're tearing me apart!
S22Treehouse of Horror XXI
DDracula
Look, I'm more than just a vampire. I'm a nut for Dixieland jazz. [plays jazz trumpet]
[rolls his eyes and groans] You said you weren't gonna bring that!
DDracula
I said I might not. [continues to play]
[whispers to Lisa] They say vampires live forever, but I die of embarrassment every day.
I know just how you feel.
[Cut to Homer dancing with Santa's Little Helper]
S22Lisa Simpson, This Isn't Your Life
Dad, can I talk to you for a second?
What is troubling you, my son? I mean, my girl son.
Sooner or later, everyone meets their Homer.
Oh, I'm sorry, Maggie, but even at your age, I'm sure you understand that things can't always go your way. AND THAT’S WHY I CAN'T BELIEVE WE DIDN'T GET THAT STUPID ELF!!!!
Just pick a dead end and chill out till you die.
[singing to the tune of Loch Lomond while waxing the floor] Oh, I'll wax the upstairs and I'll wax the downstairs and I'll get drunk in the library!
[after seeing Cloisters Academy school bus] Lord Buddha, I know I'm not supposed to want stuff, but come on!
[Upon learning that Lisa doesn't want to be like her, Marge is upset and distraught.]
What's so wrong with me?
Nothing, sweetie, nothing! Let me explain. She doesn't want to turn out like you didn't... not until... diplomatic.... trapped... help. Remember nothing.
A mother will remember everything!
Well if you look inside your purse, you can find the 7 of clubs.
[Looks inside her purse and pulls out a photo of Lisa] No, it's a photo of Lisa who wants to be nothing like me.
What's your note say?
The seven of clubs?
[Revealing himself to have put the 7 of clubs to cheer Lisa up] Tada!
S22The Fool Monty
JZJeff Zucker
NBC, you are here to listen and not speak!
S22How Munched is That Birdie in the Window?
[telling the kids a horror story in a creepy voice] The Bloody Hangman walks on his stubby bone feet through the plague-ridden streets of London...
You said it was Boston.
[still in a creepy voice] Did I?
My mom ran off with my birthday clown.
[to Raymond Bird] Now that you're officially my bird, let me fill you in on the pecking order around here. The top dog is me, followed by the top dog, the dog, then the cat and then you. But don't feel bad. You're ahead of Milhouse.
I thought your race car was a Transformer! Nothing's one thing anymore!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.