The Simpsons quotes

Bart

So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?

Lisa

You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.

Marge

It's not a big deal. We'll just go to City Hall and get married there.

Lisa

[to Homer and Marge] I think it's romantic: you can pretend you're newlyweds, starting a life together!

Bart

Yeah, instead of exhausted zombies running down the clock!

Homer

[turns red in anger] Why you little bastard! [Grabs Bart and starts strangling him.]

Lisa

That's the angry one!

Bart

[chokingly] Uh-huh!

I'm selling all sorts of faith based knick knacks. [points to bumper stickers]

Let's take a look.

[reading bumper stickers] I'd commit arson for the Parson. Clergyman can kiss my apse. And all kinds of gems. Surprisingly none of them have sold. Except for this one. [holds up button that reads "Welcome Parson"]

Homer

[to Maggie] Now you learn your numbers from these billiard balls while daddy gets happier and happier and then sadder and sadder.

Carl

How did your date go, Moe?

Incredible. I've never felt like this before. It's like my heart wants to do her.

You gotta make me shorter doc.

Dr. Hibbert

[laughs] What do you mean?

I mean take out bones, guts, whatever you gotta do to make me a micro Moe.

Dr. Hibbert

What you're asking is completely unethical. No licensed physician would perform that operation.

Now close your eyes and when you wake up you will be a woman.

No, no, no, no, no! I-I wanna be shorter, for a woman.

Uh oh. I mixed you up with the last guy.

Largo

[screams] I look nothing like Julie Newmar!

Who'd have thought that such a little woman could make me feel so big?

Principal Skinner

[to Milhouse] We've got the how, we've got the who, but we don't have the why.

Homer

[with letter "Y" in his head] Here 'tis. [Yanks Y from his head and placed it on a desk.]

Marge

Oh, Bart. I don't care that this is just an act. You've finally become the boy every mother dreams of--A girl!

Marge

Are you saying our entire relationship is based on lies?

Bart

Not our entire relationship, just the stuff I said.

Homer

Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays.

Lisa

If you don't stop smiling, you're gonna get a kiss!

Marge

Five more water heaters and we get a free water heater!

Lisa

I've never been called "fierce" before. "Strident." "Hectoring" has been tossed around.

Homer

I'm sorry, Moe. I didn't mean everybody everybody, hope you don't mind.

Homer, there are only two tragedies in life: One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Marge

But that makes no sense.

Experience is simply the name we give to our mistakes.

Homer

Shut up!

These days, man knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Homer

Whatever happened to "Boo"?