The Simpsons quotes

Homer

Someday you'll thank me for this, son.

Bart

Not bloody likely.

Homer

No, it's true. When I was a boy, I wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed and hit my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart

Dad, what's the point of this story?

Homer

I like stories.

Bart

Look, can I please go to the movie?

Homer

I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

Bart

TV sucks.

Homer

[low, angry voice] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

Mr. Burns

Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office, right next to mine. [laughs]

But sir, that's my office.

Mr. Burns

Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.

Springtime fresh, winter white. What could be better?

Homer

[bursts in and unzips his fly.] Aw man, I really gotta...

NOOOOO!

Marge

So do you think I have a case?

Lionel Hutz

Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is just the thing I need to rebuild my shattered practice. [he produces a bottle from his desk] Care to join me in a belt of Scotch?

Marge

It's 9:30 in the morning.

Lionel Hutz

Yeah, but I haven't slept in days. [takes a generous swig] Last chance... [Homer and Marge don't respond. Hutz drains the bottle] Oh, yeah....

Homer

[a dream cloud has himself making bacon on the beach] Oh. Bacon!

Bart

This is where the Winfields hid their mutated son.

Lisa

Bart, the Winfields didn't have a son!

Bart

See that sock over there? It was his only friend. [high-pitched voice] Hello, Lisa. Here in the dark, you won't need those eyes.

Lisa

Bart! It's not funny!

Bart

There are some who say the monster is still... [flips his eyelids] HERE!!! [Lisa runs off, screaming]

Homer

[to Bart and Lisa] Shut up, you little monsters!! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.

No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... Bart, put it down.

Sometimes I think you want to fail!

I’m sorry ma’am but everything on the menu has fish in it.

Marge

What about the bread? Does that have much fish in it?

Yes.

Marge

Well, I have some Tic-Tacs in my purse [looking through her purse]

Excellent choice. [writes on his notepad then turns to Homer] And for the gentleman?

Homer

All you can eat! All you can eat!

All right, when you’re ready, take this plate over- [holds up a small plate to give to Homer but he is already taking a tray from the buffet table]

Please, don’t take the steam tray! Sir!

[finding out some nincompoop teleported in Texas at an arcade] If I hit the "remorse" button one more time, I would've made it!

That man ate all our shrimp and two plastic lobsters.

Sea Captain

'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine. Argh. [walks over to Marge and Homer] 6 bells, time for closing.

Homer

Can't talk. Eating.

Sea Captain

Fairly warned be thee, says I. [he snaps his fingers and two waiters drag Homer out of the restaurant as he is still eating]

Homer

Hey. Hey! Hey! [runs back to the buffet table, starts shovelling food with his hands and the waiters drag him out again as Marge follows on foot] But the sign said "All You Can Eat"!

Lionel Hutz

Mrs. Simpson, in your own words, please tell us what happened after you and your husband were ejected from the restaurant.

Marge

We pretty much went straight home.

Lionel Hutz

Remember, Mrs. Simpson, you're still under oath.

Marge

We drove around until 3:00 in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.

Lionel Hutz

And when you couldn't find any?

Marge

[crying] We went fishing!

Lionel Hutz

[to the jury] Do these sound like the actions of a man who'd had all he could eat?

[all of whom are incredibly obese] No!

That could have been me!

Young Homer

Zookeeper! Zookeeper, those two monkeys are killing each other!

[quietly, to Homer's ear] They're having sex.

Young Homer

Oh.

Homer

Maybe you're right. Now, if you'll excuse us... [Marge leaves] this is a sacred moment between a boy and his father. Son, a woman is a lot like, um... a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice and-- Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good. They look good. You'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drinks his can of Duff Beer] But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman. [grabs another can of Duff Beer from the refrigerator]

Homer

[angry] Mr. West, you said there was a job for me.

There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] 45 minutes ago.

Barney

So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

Kent Brockman

Hardest hit by the blizzard is Springfield's forbidding Widow's Peak. Our own Arnie Pye is on the scene.

[live remote, in a helicopter] Everything's snowed in, all I can see is white!

Kent Brockman

[impatiently] Arnie, please. The ski conditions.

[now upside-down] Mayday, mayday! I think I'm flying into a mountain! Tell my wife I love-- [picture fuzzes out]

Brockman

[chuckles] That's great, Arnie.