AMAlan Moore
[voice only, in Gracie Films logo] Might be some wrong words in there, but; uh...pretty much nailed it.
S19Husbands and Knives
S19Funeral for a Fiend
That's funny. There's nobody here.
More ribs for me!
There are no tables or chairs.
More ribs for me!
And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.
[uneasy] More ribs for me?
Suddenly, without warning, the doors and windows are locked up tight behind them.
WDWes Doobner
Hello, Simpsons! [laughs evilly]
Finally, some service. Now listen, we want to sit under a cool state license plate; Michigan or better!
WDWes Doobner
[Sideshow Bob's actual voice] Silence! You've all stumbled into my ingenious trap.
That voice...[groans] I knew that commercial was a trick, specifically designed to lure our family here, and Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts is actually an anagram!
WDWes Doobner
Welcome to "Sideshow Bob's World Famous Family Style Return!" [rearranges the letters, then tears off his cowboy hat, wig and false moustache to reveal his true identity as Sideshow Bob]
SSimpsons
AH! Sideshow Bob!
[The Simpsons are tied up. A laptop with a low battery is sitting atop boxes of TNT.]
Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [He turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally.] This time, I've made no mistakes. [leaves]
Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly."
Yes, I'm sure you've studied the Immortal Bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover". [Leaves and shuts the door.]
Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up.
[re-entering] I shall! [He takes the laptop.] Come on, Wikipedia, load, you unwieldy behemoth! [The laptop explodes.] Oh, dear, Sideshow Bob, "Hoist on his own petard".
It's "hoist with his own petard".
Oh, get a life.
Yet another new restaurant fails.
Bob's playing you all like saps! This man's a killer!
Oh, how he accuses me, at my very own trial! I can take no more! I...I...I didn't want to use this, but you've left me no choice! [take out Nitroglycerin]
CWChief Wiggim
Nitroglycerin?! Everybody panic! [people in the courtroom scream and scurry in terror]
Yoink! [he snatches the nitroglycerin out of Bob's hands] Foiled again, freak! [then he tosses it out the window]
You don't understand! I...I...[groans as he begins to collapse onto the courtroom floor].
America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billy the Kid, Bonnie and Clyde, Jesus Christ. Joining them now is Robert "Sideshow Bob" Terwilliger, whose funeral we're presenting with live shovel-to-shovel coverage.
Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge.
I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!
I'm Wes Doobner!
Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family, I expect a certain level of basic--
Shut up!
[At Sideshow Bob's trial.]
Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.
[The entire courtroom gasps in shock.]
PProsecutor
[to Homer and Marge] Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
But--
PProsecutor
Damn!
I once felt that way, too.
Hey, aren't you Bob's brother?
Biologically, yes, but we never got along. He was always zigging when I zagged. That Summer, when he wanted to tour the castles of Italy, I wanted to tour the castles of France. So we went to Spain, a compromise that satisfied no one.
That's stupid. You talk like you're smart, but you're stupid.
Anyway, I choose to remember Bob as the big brother who taught me to play Botticelli.
Sounds boring.
Oh you'd love it. It's a guessing game where one player adopts the guise of a noteworthy....[looks at Bart's bored face.] You're right, it is boring. But the only way to find true happiness is to make your peace with Bob.
Well, I guess I could say goodbye.
You better make it snappy, they're cremating him in 30 minutes. I'll be scattering his ashes over the castles of France! [cackles.] Take that, ashes.
When they find your ashes, they'll think it's me. And I'll be far away with my loving family. It's the perfect crime.
And it was my portrayal as the grieving brother that sealed the deal!
[coldly] Yes, and Hamlet is all about Laertes!
[annoyed] Will you please stop comparing me to Laertes!?
If the doublet fits...
S19Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind
[Flashback sequence of Chief Wiggum coming into the house.]
[to Homer] What's goin' on here, Simpson? Am I gonna need the zip strips?
Everything's fine, cupcakes and sprinkles.
Oh, really? Then how did you get that? [Points to Marge's black-eye. Speaks to Homer:] What gives, Simpson? Givin' your wife an Irish kiss?
[off-screen] No, I swear!
It was my fault, I..... I walked into a door.
Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse I've ever... [Accidentally smacks into the door on his way out.] All right, door. You're comin' downtown. [Cuffs himself to the door.]
Anyone where your family is? Show me on Mapquest. [Santa's Little Helper snarls angrily with his own teeth.] Oh, fine! Google Maps.
[Homer is traveling through his mind with memory Bart and memory Lisa.]
I don't know if I should be showing this to you kids.
MLMemory Lisa
Relax, we're not really your kids. We're representations of them created in your mind.
Really? If I created all this, then that means I can have pizza whenever I want.
[Homer uses his mind to make a phone appear.]
[Picks up the phone.] Hello, I'd like an extra large pepperoni and mushrooms. [annoyed] 35 Minutes? [Homer angrily hangs up the phone.]
Dad, I can't remember what I did last night. Do have any idea?
You come to me for help rememberin'? That's like asking your horse to do your taxes -which I did in 1998.
[Shows photo of horse using an adding machine.]
[Just as Homer accidentally destroys his own kiss memory like we did in "The Way We Weren't"]
Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss!
Now who was it with?
Uh...Apu.
Right!
S19E. Pluribus Wiggum
[On the phone]
I'm just really worried about your weight. Bart says that we got a call from NASA, and your gravity is pulling satellites out of their orbit.
Marge, that was a joke.
But it comes from a true place...
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.