Seymour Skinner quotes from The Simpsons

Mother!

Agnes Skinner

Seymour!

Superintendent Chalmers!

Chalmers

Skinner?!

What I wouldn't give for something to distract from this awkward moment...

That'll do nicely.

Bernice

Julius!

Clancy!

Chalmers

Skinner?

Agnes

Seymour!

Seymour

Mother...

Selma

[off-screen] Patty?

Brandine

Cletus!

... Oh, uh... Barney.

Clancy!

Chief Wiggum

Hey, come on, you did me twice.

Mr. Burns

Smithers?

My... my parents insisted I give it a try, sir.

Luann

Mayor Quimby!

Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

Marge

I rest my case.

Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.

The gin in your martini

We remember our first visit

The service was exquisite

Why Joseph, I had no idea!

Come on now, you were working here

Without it we'd have had no fun since March of 1961!

Bart

To shut it down now would be twisted

We just heard this place existeeeeed!

Who's out there? Give me your names, so I can tell the police.

Agnes

[off-screen] Seymour! What's going on? What's that odor?

Go back to bed, Mother. I've got it under control. Listen, you crumb bums, if you think I'm impressed, I am not...

Oh, brandishing your buttocks is only making me angrier!

Agnes

[off-screen] I wanna see what's going on!

No, Mother! Don't look out the window!

Marge

Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?

Skinner

[monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.

Marge

Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?

[off-camera] Boating accident.

Skinner

I believe it was a... boaking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.

Bart

So I looked out the window, and there it was the grossest sight I have ever--

Skinner

[through speaker] Bart Simpson, report to the principal's office immediately!

Skinner

Now, Bart... son. I don't know what you think you saw but uh, let me assure you that...

What Seymour- oh, what Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!

Bart

That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!

Skinner

Is it... too late to say that?

Bart

Mmm-hmm!

[cough] We're just a little concerned. If people were to find out the principal was dating a teacher, they might see it as a conflict of interest.

Skinner

[chuckles] And there are those who might try to use it against us for their own advantage-

Bart

Like me, for one!

Skinner

Like you, for... Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten. Let's talk deal.

Bart

Principal Skinner?

Skinner

Up yours, children!

Sideshow Mel

I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.

Yeah, but not before me you ain't. [He storms out]

Ned Flanders

Now now, there's plenty exits for everyone!

Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [Puts Flanders into a headlock]

Skinner

Hey now, that's uncalled for.

Shut your hole Skinner!

Groundskeeper Willie

Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!

Marge

Homer, we've got to get out of here!

Homer

Ooh, but I want to do some rioting. [pushes one of the Scotsmen]

[turns to face Homer, screaming] JOBBERS COBKNOTS, YA MUCKER!! [pulls out a crowbar]

Homer

All done! [runs off]

Wendell

Ow, I can't breathe! Please stop him!

I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.

Lisa

Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect--

Bart

Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.

Hey, leave her alone.

You leave her alone.

[singing] O, Canada

Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!

Lisa

Did she just tell me to "shut up?"

Skinner

Take it outside.

Skinner

And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it.

Hi, Lisa! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! [the Coleco shows a cat with "C_T" underneath; he types "a" to spell "cat," which prompts a "meow" sound from the computer] I'm learnding.

Lisa

Aw, way to go, Ralph.

All right, you kids, come down now. We promise we won't kill ya.

Homer

Speak for yourself! Bart, get down here! I'm gonna spank you back to the Stone Age!

Bart

You can't make us come down!

You adults are always giving orders!

Skinner

Well, you kids are always disobeying them!

Well, adults treat kids like children!

Kirk

Kids treat adults like cash machines!

Adults!

Kids!

Adults!

Kids!

Adults!

Rev. Lovejoy

Kids! You've had your fun, now we've had our fill!

Homer

Yeah! You're only here because Marge forgot her pill!

Marge

[embarrassed] Hmm...

Kids! You're all just scandalizing, vandalizing punks! [catches Nelson spray-painting "Oink" on his backside]

Krusty

Channel-hopping, Ritalin-popping monkeys! [But please don't quit the fan-club!]

Marge

Kids! I can nag and nag till my hair turns blue!

Edna Krabappel

Kids! You bum my smokes and don't say thank you!

Why can't you be like we are? [they get hit with tomatoes]

Oh, what a bunch of brats!

We oughta drown you just like cats! [Snowball II jumps out of his sack]

Bart

Adults! You run our lives like you're Colonel Klink!

Adults! You strut around like your farts don't stink!

Lisa

Adults! You're such a drooling, snoring, boozing, boring bunch! Surly, meanie, three-martini lunchers!

I just ate a thumbtack!

Adults! They're always telling us to--

[grabs Milhouse with his cane] Shut your traps!

Jasper

Eh... we're all fed up with all of you whippersnaps! [Milhouse screams and runs]

We're trying to get some sleep here! It's almost 6:15! What's the matter with...

Don't you treat us like...

Can't you just lay off...

We're sick of all of you...

KIDS...TO...DAY!

We're gonna teach all you rugrats a lesson!

Homer

Oh yeah? Pfft! What can you old people do to us?

Krusty

Yeah, you old fogies!

Buzz off, you old buzzards!

You're wrinkly, somebody should iron you.

Hey, Pharaoh, those half-pint slaves are "exodus Ing" as we speak.

Skinner

Well, I say good riddance to bad rubbish.

Okay, but who's going to build your pyramids?

Skinner

Well, we-- After them!

Skinner

Edna, look! A dimmer switch could ratchet up the romance in our love nest.

Krabappel

You mean the janitor's closet? Ha!

Skinner

Oh, what's the matter, Edna? Lately you just say "ha!" to everything.

Krabappel

I want a baby... Now! [Bart is watching them]

Skinner

Why don't we continue this in Pool Supplies?

Bart

Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?

Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball State, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?

Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of community service.

Intercourse?

What if we refuse?

You won't pass to the next grade!

I fail to see the threat.

SKINNER! Good idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.