A character in The Simpsons
Played by Martin Sheen
The Simpsons · 3,477 quotes
In 62 of the 3,477 quotes from The Simpsons
Most scenes with: Bart Simpson (17), Gary Chalmers (17), Homer Simpson (11)
[during Skinner's conference over Bart's latest prank, as he spots Bart dressed as a female cheerleader and cheering, "Give me an F!" "Give me an Art!" "What's that spell?"]
SkinnerGood Lord, he's got into the pep closet!
I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.
Seymour SkinnerOur Mayor's corrupt! Mr. X has down this town a great service, despite his poor grammar and spelling.
[offset] Seymour! Are you looking at naked ladies?
No, mother!
You sissy!
SkinnerYeech. It's getting ugly out there. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? [Chalmers appears in his mind]
Skinner!
SkinnerWell, that didn't help.
[After finding Skinner] There you are! [Over walkie-talkie] Falcon to Eagle, have located Bag of Crap.
SkinnerNelson, if you get me out of this I have a hall monitor position opening in the Spring.
I spit on your monitors.
SkinnerI know. That's why the position's available.
[After a salt silo gets knocked down caused by Homer and Ned]
What was that?
It sounded like a silo tipping over.
Look, the snow's melting! [Martin licks the melted snow]
With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! [Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack]
SkinnerYou did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.
Huh? [Chalmers comes in a snow mobile]
Skinner!
SkinnerOh, Superintendent Chalmers!
What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?
SkinnerUh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-
There'd better be a good explanation for this.
There is, sir.
Ah, then I'm happy. [He speeds away on a snow mobile]
SkinnerWell, I see you Scotsmen are thrifty with courage, too!
OK Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around. I quit!
SkinnerFine, I'll do the job myself.
SkinnerHow come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips?
How come you suck!?
SkinnerUm... I lack confidence?
Lisa is a fool!
SkinnerI think the rules are cool.
I'VE FALLEN IN THE POOL!!
[at Moe's]
SkinnerHomer, this bachelor party seems to have peaked. Could you please return my pants and/or underpants so I can go home?
Come on, it's your last night of freedom. You gotta have some fun!
SkinnerWho are all of you people?
We're your buddies! Now come on, Homer's kid's principal, have a beer.
SkinnerI can't; I might be called upon to give directions later.
SKINNER! You were asked to chug-a-lug, and a-lug you shall chug!
Skinner[chugs beer] There's something I've wanted to say to you for a long time! Am I a good principal?
You're the best we could get with the funds at our disposal.
[everyone cheers]
Why are you dressed as Catwoman?
Skinner[Dressed like Catwoman à la Batman Returns] They told me it was Catman!
[Principal Skinner summons Homer and Marge into his office after Bart, accidentally, moons the U.S. flag]
SkinnerYour child's behavior appalls me, not just as a principal, but as a veteran of America's only losing war!
To date.
I swear, Bart didn't know what he was doing. He was deaf!
SkinnerOh sure Marge, [shows Homer and Marge a file of photos] just like Blind Bart, Wheelchair Bart, Pregnant Bart, and my personal favorite, Railroad spike through head Bart.
Yeah, kids love trains.
Principal Skinner [phonily]: Am I wearing women's clothes? I didn't notice. When I look in my closet, I don't see male clothes or female clothes, they're all the same.
[arms crossed] Are you saying that men and women are identical?
SkinnerOh, no, of course not! Women are unique in every way.
[arms crossed] Now he's saying women and men aren't equal!
Skinner[getting nervous] No, no, no! It's the differences...of which there are none, that make the sameness...exceptional! [desperately] Just tell me what to say!
[Skinner hyperventilates and faints]
Seymour, Gary.
SkinnerSimpson, I know you're behind this! Well, you are going to get some counciling from our school psychologist!
[running out of the school] Dark Stanley's going to eat my brains!!!
Or, from a qualified professional.
SIMPSON, what in the blue blazes are you doing to my hop-scotching grids?
[a bit worried] I made them into a crossword.
Oh, well ha ha, I'm a bit of a puzzlehead myself. They help me wind down after a day of dealing with SKINNER!!
Skinner[Appears in the school window.] You called?
Made a reference.
SkinnerMy mistake. [Disappears back in the window.]
You're welcome, now, I have to go home and make sure my pool boy is using his SKIMMER!!
Skinner[Appears in the school window.] You called?
You misheard.
SkinnerMy mistake. [Disappears back in the window.]
Homer SimpsonDan Castellaneta · 1,595 quotes
Bart SimpsonNancy Cartwright · 792 quotes
Marge SimpsonJulie Kavner · 677 quotes
Lisa SimpsonYeardley Smith · 585 quotes
MSMoe Szyslak164 quotes
Mr. BurnsHarry Shearer · 140 quotes
Ned FlandersHarry Shearer · 107 quotes
MVMilhouse Van Houten97 quotes
Krusty the ClownDan Castellaneta · 81 quotes
NMNelson Muntz79 quotes
WSWaylon Smithers73 quotes
Chief WiggumHank Azaria · 72 quotes
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
