All we could find are these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.
I eated the purple berries.
How are they, Ralph? Good?
[collapsing in pain] They taste like burning.
S9Das Bus
Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.
Welcome to the internet, my friend, how can I help you?
I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?
[stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?
S9The Last Temptation of Krust
Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin' a schvitz. Hey-hey, happy birthday. Now get 'em outta here.
JLJay Leno
He seems reluctant.
Tell him it will count towards his community service.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.
[Moe is presenting Krusty's return to comedy]
MMoe
Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me, "hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?
No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]
Heh heh heh, from now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!
Dad!
You too, Bart!
Oh, knock it off, Homer; you're the fattest one in the car!
[shocked] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge.
Oh, look! This is the perfect chance to get you kids some nice church shoes!
[Bart and Lisa sigh]
What do we need church shoes for, Jesus wore sandals.
Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him.
SWSteven Wright
I finally got around to reading the dictionary...turns out the zebra did it.
[The crowd laughs]
I don't get it.
Dad, the zebra didn't do it, its just a word at the end of the dictionary.
I still don't get it.
It's just a joke.
Oooh! I get it! I get jokes. [Laughs]
Have you noticed how there are two phone books: a white one and a yellow one. What's the deal with that?
One's residential, the other is business.
Oh. Well, that makes sense. But what will they think of next? Blue Pages?
We have those. They're government listings.
S9Dumbbell Indemnity
[drunk at Moe's] Here's to Marge! And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar!
MMoe
Yeah, yeah, you got a wife, I got a rash! Who cares?!
MMoe
It's been four years since my last date with a whatchoo-call-it, uh, woman.
MMoe
No girl wants to end up with a Joe Pukepail like me.
Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe! You're a fabulous catch!
MMoe
Oh yeah? Well how come I ain't fending off movie starlets with a pointy stick?
Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness, but that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. C'mon! We're going to the darkest bar in town!
Don't give up Moe. The girl of your dreams has gotta be in some bar.
MMoe
[upon hearing his player's club card is maxed out] Well, that's it. It's over. Renee ain't gonna want to hang around with no Joe pinch-penny.
Come on, Moe. Think of all the things you have to offer her besides money.
MMoe
[beat] I need cash, and lots of it!
Why don't you sell your car?
MMoe
Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.
Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.
[in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car.
I'll do it!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.