[preaching at church] This so called "new religion" is nothing more than a bunch of weird rituals designed to take away the money of fools. Now, let's say the Lord's prayer 40 times but first let's pass the collection plate.
S9The Joy of Sect
Your family will be housed here for the first 100,000 years, then something might open up in a double.
Why even unpack?
Wait, I'm confused about the movie ... so the cops knew Internal Affairs was setting them up?
What are you talking about? There's nothing like that in there.
Well, you see when I get bored I make up my own movies. I have a very short attention span.
JJane
But our point is very simple, you see when...
Oh look! A bird! Hee hee hee!
[Homer runs after the bird]
Outsiders have kidnapped some of our property. We must respond with our deadliest weapon.
JJane
[sinister] The lawyers.
It's wonderful to think for ourselves again.
You said it, sister.
TVTV voice-over
You are watching Fox.
HMHomer, Marge, Bart, and Lisa
We are watching Fox.
Smithers, why haven't I heard of this "The Leader"? He's as rich and wicked as I, but he seems to enjoy tax exempt status!
Actually, sir, with our creative book-keeping and corporate loop holes we only pay three dollars a year.
[Shocked] You're right, we're getting screwed! There must be something we can do about this. Yes, I believe I know just the thing [Evil laugh] [Long Pause]
Uh, sir... You've got to tell me what the plan is, or nothing will happen.
Oh, right. The plan. You see me as a God, right, Smithers?
Absolutely, sir!
You'd kneel before me?
Boy, would I!
Yes... uh... Then I'll just form my own religion, with its own special symbol [Burns starts sketching down a symbol.] We'll use this special K! [It's the Kellogg symbol]
I believe that's already a breakfast cereal, sir.
Do people worship it?
In a way...
Alright, then... how about this? [Sketches another symbol, which is Mickey Mouse's ears.]
Ah, why don't you leave the symbol to me, sir?
[Rev. Lovejoy tries to knock out Homer, but fails.]
Oh, the devil's given him superhuman strength.
[Snatches the bat from Reverend.] Gimme that, you noodle-armed choir boy!
[Willie tries to knock out Homer, but fails as well.]
Well that didn't do it, Mr. Kilt.
I've learned that he's not using our money to build a spaceship. [starts opening the barn] He's using our money to [Looks inside and sees a flying saucer] build one hell of a spaceship.
S9Das Bus
[phoning in sick to work] Can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers; I have smallpox. Well it wasn't wiped out in my house!
[Nelson is crushing Wendell's nose with chopsticks.]
Ow, I can't breathe! Please stop him!
SSkinner
I'd like to, but I'm afraid he has diplomatic immunity.
Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect--
Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.
[children laugh]
STSherri/Terri
Hey, leave her alone.
You leave her alone.
[children are all shouting at each other]
[singing] O, Canada
{Principal Skinner restores order by banging his shoe on the desk}
PSPrincipal Skinner
Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?
[The bus is rising with water, Wendell's drowning and Bart looks at his black friend, Lewis.]
[to Lewis] I guess this is the end, Wendell.
[pointing to Wendell, the white kid] He's Wendell, I'm Lewis.
Well, whatever. Just tell Wendell I said, "Bye."
[taking an orange out of the cooler) Hey Simpson, race ya!
[taking an apple out] First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money.
What?
[The two put their fruits on the floor of the bus, beginning to roll to the front]
Go apple!
Go orange!
[Ralph puts a banana on the floor]
Go banana!
It'll be just like The Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We'll live like kings! Damn hell ass kings!
STSherri/Terri
I'm so hungry I could eat at Arby's.
This is all Lisa's fault! She had the idea of that stupid UN club!
Hey, Martin seconded the motion. It's entirely his fault.
People, people, let's not blame each other. We all know this is Milhouse's fault.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.