The Simpsons · Season 9
Well, Dad, in the meantime, here's a carton of smokes you can use to buy stuff. [gives the box of smokes to Homer]
Aw, thanks, boy. I'll give you two packs for that candy bar.
Three.
[turns red in anger] Why, you little- [angrily strangles Bart]
Guard! Guard!
Hawaii here we come. Ananakooli, Makawani, Ana-ona, Nanawula Wa, Hawaii...ha
Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe? Who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?
Stop saying Hawaii in there.
[scooting a cart of books to Moe's Tavern with his right leg] Must kill Moe. [holds onto the cart, riding along happily] WHEEE!!! [goes back to scooting] Must kill Moe. [holds again] WHEEE!!!
Homer! Thank God! You gotta help me!
[picks up a flaming 2x4] Oh I'll help you...help you die!
[emerging from the bathroom to see Homer and Moe unconscious] Moe! Homer! [screams as he sees the fire heading towards the counter] Aagh! The booze!
Oh, Homer! I've been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me?
Aww, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. After all, you get me drunk!
Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath!
Yeah, mom says a lot of things.
Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself, more of a cologne man.
Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such medical films as "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore" and "Mommy, What's Wrong with that Man's Face?"
[about Lisa] Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On account of the Simpson gene!
"Simpson gene?" That's just foolishness!
No. Baldness, too.
Dear log, can it be true? Do all Simpsons go through a process of dumbening? Wait, that's not how you spell "dumbening". Wait, dumbening isn't even a word. Hmm, I've got to find out more.
I'm strongly opposed to Proposition umm 3-3-0-5...
You're against discount bus fares for war widows?
You bet I am!
[on TV] I'm supposed to be talking to you today about Proposition 3305...
Moochin' war widows!
Wow. Dad was a good speller?
Oh, your dad used to be as smart as a monkey, then his mind started gettin' lazy and now he's as dumb as a chimp.
Grampa!
Hey, I am too. And your brother's coming along nicely. Look at Bart's homework. Back when he was your age, he was as smart as a chimp. (opens up a box labeled "Bart". On top of a stack of homework is a paper of Bart's from the second grade, with a smiley face and the words "Great Work!" written next to it)
This is just two years ago!
That's right. Then the Simpson genes kicked in! (leafs through the paper like an animator's flip book. The smiley faces on the corners gradually turn into frowns and eventually, the skull and crossbones)
Come one, come all! See the amazing frozen man! Also gaze at the Frito found in a bag of Doritos! Marvel at the floor that just won't come clean!
I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet. Tell her what you do.
I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.
[Nervous] Oh.. but you.. RUN it.. right?
OH Yea.
Okay.. uh.. this is your second cousin, Stanley!
Um.. I shoot birds at the airport.
[More nervous] Everybody hates birds.. right? [Frantically looks for a successful relative. He spots a dapper looking fellow smoking a cigar.] Wehh, you look pretty successful!
Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties. [Face drops] At least, I'd.. like to.
You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?
What about you?
Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.
I beg celebrities for money!
I'm a prison snitch.
Jug band manager.
My legs hurt!
Kids, this is Robbie the Automaton.
Greetings, Earth children.
Where are you from?
[pause] Earth.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
