I'm riding a unicycle with my pants down. This should be every boy's dream.
S15 E9I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot
Hey, what gives? He's not killing me!
Ah-I'll tell you what gives, I'm afraid he is subject to Issac Asimov's Laws of Robotics, with the Sci-Fi, and the so many Books, not too many Good, my Robot is programmed never to harm Humans, you see, only to serve them.
S15 E10Diatribe of a Mad Housewife
Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you?
Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.
This is horrible! What if Dad reads it ("The Harpooned Heart")?
It's too long; he won't read it.
Well, what if it gets made into a movie?
It's too sappy; he won't see it.
Well, what if they do a parody about it on MADtv?
[gasps] We're doomed!
I'll have to read Marge's book, and I swore never to read again after To Kill a Mockingbird gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?
[Homer is working at Boris' Car Loft as a sales rep, he is in the sales office with a couple]
You probably want to talk this over, so I'll leave you two "alone" [laughs maniacally] Excuse me. [Homer joins the manager in the adjacent room to spy on them]
MMan
Well honey, what do you think?
WWoman
Did that salesman cut one during the test drive?
MMan
Yeah, and for some reason, he turned on the radio to cover up the smell!
WWoman
Let's get out of here. I'm not shaking that guy's hand! [they leave, the manager glares at Homer]
They'll be back. [looks nervously and turns on radio, the manager then grimaces at Homer]
S15 E11Margical History Tour
NFNed Flanders/Sir Thomas More
[to Homer/Henry VIII] Divorce! Well, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church! But it's the only church we got, so what are you gonna do?
HHHomer/Henry VIII
I'll start my own church!
NFNed Flanders/Sir Thomas More
Whaaaaaaaa!?
HHHomer/Henry VIII
Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of all marriages will end in it!
NFNed Flanders/Sir Thomas More
Your Majesty, I work for the Pope, and I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you.
HHHomer/Henry VIII
[as aides are slicing his crown and other royal items in half] No fair! I invented divorce! How come you get half of everything?
PFPasty-Faced Lawyer
You should have invented the pre-nup. Now, one half of your kingdom, please.
[Homer/Henry VIII holds up of map of the British Isles. He rips it in half and gives the left part to Marge/Margerine of Aragon]
MMMarge/Margerine of Aragon
[groans] I get Ireland?
HHHomer/Henry VIII
Ha ha!
Animal House is a song by Homer:
All I know is the guy who played Mozart was also in Animal House. Now there's a movie with good music.
Animal House, House, House,
Nobody ever went to class.
Then we saw Donald Sutherland's ass.
Animal House, House, House,
Animal House, House, House,
Then the journey ends like American Graffiti,
Where you found out what happened to everyone...
WCWilliam Clark/Carl
Alright, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific and get some sweet mermaid sex!
SLSacagawea/Lisa
For the last time, those are SALMON!
S15 E12Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore
It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies! Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!
You Scots sure are a contentious people.
You just made an enemy for life!
BHBillboard Homer sees while driving
Diamonds... because money equals love.
S15 E13Smart and Smarter
[Bart heads into the bathroom, Homer comes out giggling.]
Wait 'til he puts his unsuspecting butt on that toilet seat. [He giggles again, while looking at "Squat-n-Squirt" box cover. A toilet flushing is heard.] Huh? Where the "ee-yow"?
[exits the bathroom] All yours, Homer.
But you didn't sit on the toilet.
I didn't have to-- I'm a dude.
[snatches Bart back to the bathroom, forces him to sit on toilet] Butt on bowl, little man!
[struggling to sit on toilet] Hey, my pants aren't down!
It doesn't matter!
[Bart gets through his legs and forces him on toilet, which it sprays water.]
Ee-yow! [sputters]
[Bart laughs at it.]
[turns red in anger] Why you little--! [angrily strangles Bart] Joke's on me, isn't it?!
[Bart stucks the electric toothbrush up Homer's nose, makes him vibrate on inside. Then Homer grabs shower hose and sprays it in Bart's mouth. Then Bart grabs the toilet cleaning brush and brushes inside Homer's mouth, which makes him strangle him again. The shower hose flies with water still on hits things off.]
[offscreen] What's all that racket?!
[gasps] It's old lady Simpson! Run! [he and Bart runs out of the bathroom]
[as she and Marge enters] What's going on?
Uh... I'll tell you what's going on. I'm taking you all out for pancakes!
[Marge, Bart and Lisa cheers]
Yeah!
Just because Maggie can't talk doesn't mean she's dumb. Einstein didn't speak until he was three.
And even then he could only speak German!
Meet Maggie Simpson, IQ 167.
PPhilipa
167? That's amazing for a Christian!
[horrified] But, but my IQ is only 159! Maggie's more intelligent than me?
That's right, because 167 is a bigger number than 159. Do you see how that works?
[annoyed] Yes, thank you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.