The Simpsons · Season 14
[Homer is in bed. A toned Marge walks in, lustfully]
Say, Homie, how about a good luck snuggle before my competition tomorrow?
[feeling trapped] Erm, listen my bulky flower, I have an early day tomorrow and...
[Gets on top] I wasn't asking. [Veins bulging. She rapes Homer]
[the next morning]
Morning kids, I made your lunches.
Where's Mom?
Your Mom has a lot of stuff to shave. [walks off hobbling]
[Marge has destroyed Moe's Tavern and injured almost all of the barflies. She holds Lenny over her head as Homer comes out from hiding on the far end of the bar]
Marge?
[Marge turns around, breathing heavily and still holding Lenny over her head]
[voice breaking] Somewhere in that sea of bull hormones is the sweet, wonderful girl I married. The woman who, instead of swatting a fly, would give it a bath and send it on its way. I'd sure like to go home and have Jiffy Pop with her.
[looks at his destroyed tavern[ Well, there's only one way to recoup my losses. [pours some gasoline over the counter and sets it on fire with a match stick]
Oh, whoa, wait a minute. Don't you have to buy insurance first?
Oh, crap.
You know, most people pray silently.
Marge, he's way the hell up there!
[on a TV documentary about himself] I've never actually been to a baseball game. The fresh air gives me hives.
DIE, MONSTER!!! [changes channel]
I'm sorry Ned. It looks like God has packed up and left Springfield.
[hysterical] No, you're lying! You're lying! What makes you lie?
Good evening. Springfield is still grappling tonight with the departure of Reverend Timothy Lovejoy, local Bible nut. How is our community coping with this spiritual vacuum? Let's ask Arnie Pye in the Sky!
You wanna know what I see, Kent? I see a slow news day with nothing to fill it!
Arnie, you're supposed to be filming people coping with the loss of their church!
And how am I supposed to do that? Do I have a magic lens that can see into peoples' SOULS? Well, yours would be BLACK, Kent! BLACK AS THE ACE OF SPADES!!!
[Reverend Lovejoy is forced to leave the Church]
It's okay, the Flanders have offered to put me up.
And, Reverend, you'll be bunking with me.
[Lovejoy shudders]
There are perfectly logical explanations for everything that happened. The bonfire sent soot into the air, which created rain, and with all the trees cut down a flood was inevitable.
Yeah, but what made the rain stop?
I don't know. Buddha?
Why did you wake me up!? I dreamt I was at the Kennedy Center honors.
Well, here's another low rated annual event. Spring cleaning!
Hey, a box of old videotapes. "Marge And Homer Get Dirty"? Hey, Lis, think you're well-adjusted? I’ve got something to show you.
[to Bart] You're Baby Stink-Breath, you're Baby Stink-Breath! En Francais... [in French] vous êtes L'enfant Stink-Breath!
How could you make me Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me?
I was going to tell you on my deathbed.
Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials, and you made a lot of money.
I did? Where is it?
Your father invested it in the college trust fund which, today, must be worth a fo...
[interrupts Marge] La la la la la la la la la!
[groans in embarrassment] Of course, the stock market's been down lately, but there must be some sort of...
[rudely continues interrupting Marge] La la la la la la la la nothing left la la la oh.
You spent all the money I earned?
I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos. Look.
[Flips through photos of Homer holding Bart over a railing a 'la Michael Jackson and then dropping him]
See, you're fine, and then... [shows the final photo, depicting Bart missing] whoops! Uh-oh! Look out! Oh! I know this looks bad, but if you reverse it, Daddy's a hero. See? [reverses the sequence] Watch... I saved you!
I want a divorce from my parents.
You WHA?!
I said I want a divorce from my parents.
Yes, I heard you. I was just calling my secretary. Yuwah, give me the standard child divorcing parent form.
Yes, sir.
Bart, you're suing us?
Yes, I wanna be emancipated.
Emancipated? Don't you like being a dude?
No, Dad, it means Bart would be a legal adult and free to move out of the house.
I wanted a sewing room, but not like this. Not like this!
Mom, you've always been cool to me, but Homer is a lousy dad and I'm not gonna take it anymore.
Hey, my dad was lousy and I didn't sue him. I just dumped him in the cheapest home I could find.
[Cut to the Springfield Retirement Castle where Abraham is on a hospital bed]
Hey! My IV is empty, and my catheter is full!
[The employee carelessly switches urine and IV bag in opposite places]
See you tomorrow.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
