How come you always run out of tardy slips before you run out of permission slips?
How come you suck!?
Um... I lack confidence?
S13The Bart Wants What It Wants
S13The Lastest Gun in the West
[Bart enters the classroom in torn clothes]
Ha ha, Bart's family is poor!
Eh, I'm sick of this tarzan movie.
Dad, it's a documentary on the homeless.
Oh, right.
What's this lunchbox made of?
BBuck
Well, back in my day we had a thing called metal. Everything was made of it. Lunchboxes, cars, you name it.
Me-tal
This is Kent Brockman here at Springfield Elementary, where a new Western craze is sweeping the campus.
I'm Annie Oakley.
I'm Kevin Costner in one of his Western roles.
I'm a gulch.
So I guess you could say, this barely qualifies as news.
BMBuck McCoy
Goodbye Bart, never bother me again! Yee-haw!
S13The Old Man and the Key
Okay. Look at the eye chart and cover your left eye.
AAbe
That's my seeing eye. The right one's my winking eye! (winks)
I'll give you your licence if you never do that again.
AAbe
Oh, everything's the last time I do everything.
(to Abe Simpson) And another thing, no death races.
(after seeing the incident on Abe Simpson) Oh, that is it! Abraham J. Simpson, (camera cuts closer and closer to Homer until it reaches his mouth) you are never... driving... again, ever!!!
(Bus arrives)
Here we are, Branson, Missouri.
CBCharles Bronson
No pally, this is Bronson, Missouri.
(Camera pulls back to reveal town full of Charles Bronsons)
Well how do we get to Branson?
BMBronson Mom
Number 10 bus.
BSBronson Son
Hey ma, how bout some cookies?
BMBronson Mom
No dice.
BSBronson Son
This ain't over.
S13Tales from the Public Domain
PPenelope (Marge)
Okay, it has been 20 years and you suitors have been very patient.
S1Suitor 1 (Sideshow Mel)
We've been beyond patient.
S2Suitor 2 (Krusty)
We came here when Helen of Troy was hot. Now, look at her.
Helen of Troy (Agnes) a la Phyllis Diller: This is the face that launched a thousand ships... the other way! A-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[gasps] What happened Dad? They didn't really burn her, did they?
[hastily grabs the book from Homer] Of course not, honey. "Just then, Sir Lancelot rode up on a white horse and saved Joan of Arc. They got married and lived in a space ship. The end."
[Tears out the page and begins eating it]
Well, it's easier to chew than that Bambi video.
Disco Stu has ouzo for two-zo.
I'll leave you guys alone.
Disco Stu (pointing to Bart): Disco Stu was talking to you.
(Bart shudders in disgust)
JJester (Krusty)
Now I should warn you, a lot of our plays have a tendency to make people blurt out certain secrets.
CClaudius (Moe)
[nervous] Oh boy...
HHamlet (Bart)
Ah-ha! Methinks the play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!
CClaudius
Catch my conscience- what?
HHamlet
You're not supposed to hear me, that's a soliloquy.
CClaudius
Okay, then I'll do a soliloquy too. [Clears throat] Note to self; kill that kid.
S13Blame it on Lisa
[Whining]Can we stop? I have to go to the bathroom.
BKBrazilian Kidnapper
You just went five minutes ago!
I'm sorry, I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.
BKBrazilian Kidnapper
We just call them nuts here.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.