Lisa, you promised they'd be miserable. What the hell's going on?
S9Miracle on Evergreen Terrace
Is this car $15,000?
SSalesman
[rubs off the $12,000 price tag] It is now. And because of your loss, folks, I'll throw in the undercoating for two hund—No, four hundred and ninety bucks!
What a deal! I'd be a sucker not to get it!
I don't know about this, Dad. Shouldn't we give the money to charity or some—OW!
SSalesman
Oh, I'm sorry, I jabbed you with my pen.
Oww! You're still doing it!
SSalesman
I know.
Kent Brockman here for a follow-up with Springfield's favorite hard-luck family, the Simpsons. Folks, any words for the Christmas thief if he's watching?
Eh, yes… Kent. Uh, hello… jerk. We may never find you, and we should probably all stop looking. But one thing's for sure… you do exist.
Strong words. Strong, bewildering words.
So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel?
[annoyed] How'd you think I felt?
Absolutely devastated? [turns to camera] "Absolutely devastated," the words of a heartbroken mother.
There was no burglar. I accidentally burned up the tree. And the presents. I'm really sorry.
Why you little-! [Runs over and starts strangling Bart]
Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak! [He strangles Bart]
MMoe
Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.
[drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe… you're always Moe.
In my long career, I've seen some pretty shabby things, but this putrid fraud out-stinks them all.
CCameraman
And cut.
I just wanna thank you folks so much! This has turned out to be a great, great story for me.
S9All Singing, All Dancing
We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?
Well, they put us on a 'Waiting to Exhale' waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.
Singing is the lowest form of communication.
Homer, you sing all the time.
No I don't, I hate to rhyme.
[singing]
You like musicals, don't you Dad?
No, I don't, I think they're bad
They're fake and phony and totally wrong
Wake up Dad, you're singing a song
I wouldn't, I couldn't, I hate that stuff
Now Homer, listen, I've had enough
In our family videos we have plainly seen
You're a singing, dancing, entertainment machine
[rhyming] A singing family, it's worse than I feared
For hostage purposes, you're just too weird
Bye.
[telling] Say your prayers, and then it's ka-blammo!
[Snake fires, but hears nothing but a click]
[telling] I'll be back, when I get some ammo! Bye!
[shoots someone heard offscreen during the end credits] Yo! I told you to stop the music, dudes. I'm serious. [cricket sounds can be heard and some music are heard too] Oh oh OH you're so not listening! [shoots offscreen again, more cricket sounds, and even more offscreen music] Okay, I heard that. I hear that, dudes! [shoots offscreen and shoots music during the Gracie Films logo] You too, Gracie music dude! Gah! [20th Century Fox Television logo with 1997 music is back to normal]
S9Bart Carny
But I can't go out dressed like this! What if someone sees me?
You're just going to our backyard, no one will see you.
[off-camera, as Bart opens door] HA-
[pointing towards door after Bart closes it] Mmmm!
[still off-camera] -HA!
COCarnival Owner
Some say the skeleton of Hitler himself is in the trunk. But, I'm a busy man, and I haven't had the time to look.
Hey, you lost your money fair and square! I didn't scam nobody!
[laughing] Put down your stick. We're here to work.
Starting today, we're carnies, just like you.
Well, in that case, let me show you how I scammed you.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.