I've got two questions. One: Where's the fife? Two: Give me the fife.
S7Lisa the Iconoclast
S7Homer the Smithers
You should've seen the murderous glint in his eyes, Smithers. And his breath reeked of beer and pretzled bread.
I'm so sorry, Mr. Burns. This was all my fault.
No, don't concern yourself. If things had turned ugly, I always had my mace. [motions to an actual mace]
Don't let me off the hook that easily, sir. I failed you, and I'll never forgive myself! [Begins smashing his head against the steering wheel of the limo] Never! Never! Never! Never! Never! Never!
[Annoyed, Burns raises the shield between him and Smithers. His car phone rings, and he answers it.]
[through the phone] Never! Never! Never!
[montage of Mr. Burns abusing and berating Homer, who has replaced Smithers as his assistant]:
[yelps as he turns on the lamp] 60 watts! What do you think this is, a tanning salon?! [cut to Mr. Burns in bed, his nightcap is stiff and pointy] I asked for light starch on my nightcap! [Homer yelps as Mr. Burns pokes him with the nightcap] [cut to Mr. Burns at dinner, soaking Homer with his drink] You call this postum?! [cut to Mr. Burns in his office as he knocks over Homer's stack of paper] You call this a tax return?! [cut to Mr. Burns hitting a generator with a cane, causing it to spew out smoke and sparks of electricity] You call this a super computer?! [cut to Mr. Burns throwing sheets of paper, pencils, and a book at Homer] You're a travesty of a joke of an assistant!
[Homer tries to contain his rage, but eventually snaps and screams before punching Mr. Burns in the face. An eerie silence falls over the room as Mr. Burns falls to the floor, unconscious. We hear the ticking of a clock and tense violin music as Homer starts whimpering in panic, realizing what he just did, before running out of the room. Cut to Homer arriving at home, slamming the door behind him]
Is there something wrong, Homie?
No.
Except?
Except... I killed Mr. Burns!
What happened, Dad?
I punched Burns right in his 104-year-old face!
Are you sure he's dead? Maybe you just really, really hurt him.
Okay, maybe everything is alright. Maybe if you go apologize, he might not even fire you... if he's alive.
MMoe
Moe's Tavern.
I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name Waylon.
MMoe
Ohh. So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers eh? First name Waylon is it? Listen to me you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove them down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap out of you okay! Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I search the employee evaluations for the word "incompetent".
CComputer
714 MATCHES FOUND
714 names? Heh. Better be more specific. "Lazy", "clumsy", "dimwitted", "monstrously ugly".
CComputer
[displays hourglass icon]
CComputer
714 MATCHES FOUND
Eh, nuts to this. I'll just go get Homer Simpson.
Simpson? Simpson! Did you get that report on the accounting department?
Yes sir I did. [pulls out the report] The accounting department is located on the third floor. Its hours are 9AM to 5PM. The head of this department is a Mr.Johnston or Johnstone. [Mr.Burns grabs Homer's report, angrily crumples it up, and drops it]
Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."
[phone rings]
[answering] Hello, Mr. Burns' office.
Is it about my cube?
Its Mr. Smithers. He's calling for you.
Montgomery Burns' office. Oh hello, Mrs Burns. I'll see if your son is available.
Mr. Burns has a mother? She must be 100 million years old!
[to Homer] She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell. [talks back to Mrs Burns] I'm sorry, Monty can't come to the phone right now. He's in a very important meeting and can't be disturbed. [shot of Burns trying to avoid falling asleep] Uh-huh... okay, I'll give him the message. [hangs up] Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.
[chuckling] Taft, you old dog!
[enters Moe's Tavern] Uh... hello. Got a help wanted sign on the window?
MMoe
Uh, yeah. I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck.
I'll just wait out back until then.
I look forward to working with you!
Mr. Smithers wait! You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices. You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself that there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back!
You're right! But I'm gonna need your help.
[the Duff clock strikes 12 and it tolls]
MMoe
Oh My God!
TDTruck Driver
Beer delivery. Just sign here. Oh, No! It's you!
[loud crashing]
[laughing] [Truck Driver: Hey!] Oh boy! [Truck Driver: give me that!] No! [empty metal containers rolling] [burps loudly]
Doughnuts? I told you I don't like ethnic foods.
[Homer is helping Smithers to a taxi with his bags]
Is there anything else you need to know? [gets in]
Uhh... What do I do in case of fire?
[The window is rolled up and his voice is muffled] Sorry, can't hear you. [Taxi starts driving off] Good luck.
[Homer goes back to Mr. Burns's office which is on fire]
Aww, just my luck.
Good Lord Smithers, you look atrocious! I thought I told you to take a vacation.
Uh, Smithers already left, sir. I am his replacement, Homer Simpson.
Simpson, eh? Ah yes, I will have my lunch now. A single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.
But I think the dodo went extinct.
Get going! And after lunch install a computer system and rotate my office so the window faces the hills!
S7The Day the Violence Died
He didn't create Itchy: I did.
Huh?
He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.
[Bart and Chester are visiting Lionel Hutz' law firm in order to hire him as their attorney.]
All right, gentlemen, I'll take your case. But I'm going to have to ask for a $1,000 retainer.
A thousand dollars?! But your ad says "no money down"! [hands Hutz a cut-out of his newspaper ad, which says "WORKS ON CONTINGENCY" and "NO MONEY DOWN"]
[chuckles] Oh, they got this all screwed up. [takes a pen and scribbles on the piece of paper Bart handed him, before showing that it now says "WORKS ON CONTINGENCY? NO, MONEY DOWN!"]
So you don't work on a contingency basis?
No, money down! Oops, shouldn't have this Bar Association logo here either. [rips off the bottom half of the ad and eats it]
AAbe
I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back at 1947 to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!
Those corn muffins were lousy!
AAbe
Paint my chicken coop!
Make me!
[Abe comes across the table and the old men begin fighting.]
That does it! One of them has to go!
Okay, Grampa.
No, the B-U-M.
Oh...
LLawyer
Krusty, have you ever seen this so-called "animation genius" before?
Yes, I have!
LLawyer
You have?!
I gave him a couple of blintzes to paint my fence, BUT HE NEVER DID IT!
Those blintzes were terrible!
PAINT MY FENCE!
Make me!
[charges at Chester and starts punching him] YOU GIVE ME BACK THOSE BLINTZES, THEN!
Order, order! We don't care about your blintzes!
[Krusty frowns at Snyder. It is now turn for the prosecutor to call Chester to the bar]
Now, Mr. Lampwick, when Roger Myers stole your character...
LLawyer
Objection.
Sustained.
Urgh! If I hear "objection" and "sustained" one more time today, I think I'm going to scream!
LLaywer
Objection.
Sustained.
[Hutz screams. He gave his word, Chester claims]
Roger Myers didn't create any of his characters. He stole them all.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.