“Bart vs. Australia” quotes from The Simpsons

Lisa

Bart, water will only go the other way in the southern hemisphere.

Bart

What the hell is the Southern Hemisphere?

Lisa

Haven't you ever looked at your globe? [Tears off wrapping paper on a gift with a tag reading "Happy Birthday! Love Grampa" on it] See, the Southern Hemisphere is made up off everything below the equ... [stares at Bart] this line.

Bart

So say in Argentina, and Rand McNally [pointing at Rand McNally logo on globe], all their water goes backwards?

Lisa

Uh-huh. In fact, in Rand McNally, people wear hats on their feet and hamburgers eat people.

Bart

[impressed] Cool!

Please to repeat again, so I can translating for the el presidente.

Bart

[on the phone] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?

[gasps, in Spanish with English subtitles] ¡Él dice que las mareas están cambiando! (He says the tides are turning!)

[gasps] ¡Ay carumba! ¡Entonces los rebeldes pronto se llevará a la capital! ¡Necessito huir! (Oh, no! Then the rebels will soon take the Capital! I must flee!) Yaaiiee! [President jumps out the window]

Homer

Hey! Are you like one of those English guards who can't laugh or smile or anything? [making noises and faces at the marine, who punched in his face] Ow!

No, sir! US Marine Corps, sir!

Eine minuten, eine minuten! [Phone stops ringing] Ach, das mobile phone is das nuisance phone!

Buenos dias, Mein Führer!

Ach, ja, ja...

Homer

Burkino Faso? Disputed Zone? Who called all these weird places?

Quiet, it might be you, I can't remember.

Homer

No, I'm gonna ask Marge.

No, no! Why embarrass us both? Just write a check and I'll release some more endorphins.

Homer

[after writing a check] Ohhhh...

Bart

Mom, Dad, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.

Homer

That's no reason to block the TV.

Bart

Hey, G.I. Joe, your sign's broken. We're already in Australia.

Actually, Sir, the embassy is considered American soil, Sir.

Homer

Really? Look, boy, now I'm in Australia. [hops over the line] Now I'm in America. Australia! America!

Bart

I get it, Dad.

Homer

Australia! America!

Marge

Homer, that's enough.

Homer

Australia! America!

Here in America, we don't tolerate that kind of crap, Sir!

You call that a knife? This is a knife. (takes out spoon.)

Bart

That's not a knife. That's a spoon.

All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

Homer

Ooh! Give me one of those famous giant beers I've heard so much about. [the bartender lifts a can of Foster's the size of a half keg in front of him]

Something wrong, Yank?

Homer

[disappointed] Noo... It's pretty big, I guess.

Marge

I'll just have a cup of coffee.

Beer it is.

Marge

No, I said coffee.

Beer?

Marge

Cof-fee.

[still not understanding] Be-ear?

Marge

C-O...

B-E...

[sweeping a bunch of toads out] Get out, get out! Shoo, shoo. Get out of here, yuck! These bloody things are everywhere. They're in the lift, in the lorry, in the bond wizard, and all over the malonga gilderchuck.

They're like kangaroos, but they're reptiles, they is.

Marge

We have them in America. They're called bullfrogs.

What? That's an odd name. I'd have called them "chazzwazzers".