Selma quotes from The Simpsons

Selma

Sorry I had to work so late. How did it go with the baby?

We're having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her. I was just telling her how we chased the teddy bears into their cuddle bunkers, [in a creepy voice] then had to tickle them out with machine hugs and fun throwers! [sinister zoom-in] They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well, sir, it doesn't.

Selma

I don't need a man, for I have England!

Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Patty

So, now you're going to get hit on by ever loser in town.

Selma

And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.

Selma

Hello, Homer. Marge is getting ready for a date!

Homer

[sad] Marge? On a date?

Selma

Yep! But I'll make you a deal: I'll try to save your marriage if you can guess which one I am.

Homer

Patty?

Selma

Wrong!! [hangs up on Homer, who starts crying]

Lisa

Mom, Dad, with Bart away, I can now fulfill a dream I never dared speak aloud. For one fleeting weekend, I want to live as... an only child.

Marge

"Only child"? What about Maggie?

Lisa

Um, I kind of made alternate arrangements for her.

Patty

Time for a Flip This Bathroom marathon.

Selma

Ooh, baby, Mama loves her terra route.

Lisa

[points to the sibling pie chart] As you can see on this pie chart, this is the time you spend on my older and younger siblings. So, if you'll just humor a middle child's most frivolous whimsy, I would like you to spend the entire weekend focusing only on me.

Homer

No.

Marge

Homer! [To Lisa] Of course we will.

Lisa

[hugs her parents] Oh, it's wonderful! Oh, and for the next two days, I would like you to call me Jules. I think an only child would have a name... [flips the page with another pie chart with Jules's name on it] like Jules.

Okay! Our first only-child activity is gonna be playing horsey. Start working on your neighs.