South Park · Season 22
[confronting Stan with a vape pen] Where did you get this?
It's not mine. I took it from a kindergartner.
Yeah, right. My own son using a pussy stick. Don't you know what these things are doing to our way of life?! I've had enough!
What are you gonna do?
You think I'm just gonna stand around while they destroy my family?! We've worked this farm and this land for over four days! I'm not about to let some vape queens take it all away from us!
Vape on this, bitch!
Where are you goin', Ned?
I'm getting my white ass outta here.
[ManBearPig appears behind Ned, getting the latter's attention]
Stan [upon seeing ManBearPig]: What the fuck?!
Jesus Christ! [fires at ManBearPig]
Ned [running from ManBearPig]: Heeeelp meeeeee!
[ManBearPig attacks Ned then carries him away, leaving Jimbo, Stan, and Randy horrified]
Ned!
I can't believe you would get high and play video games while your son is in jail! You're such an asshole!
Well, at least I'm not a school shooter!
[Yates Residence; Harrison arrives and is about to open his front door when he hears shooting and screams, then the sound of a galloping horse from inside]
Oh, you'd better not- [goes inside and throws his hat and jacket down; enraged] You bitch! [Maggie shrieks in fright and stands up] You're playing Red Dead Redemption, aren't you?!
So what of it?!
What did I tell you about playing on my saved game, Maggie?!
No! No, this is my life now, Harrison Yates! I started over, with me own saved game!
What are you talking about?
See for yourself! [hands him over the game controller] You and all your talk o'wantin' your own life! I wanted somethin' new, too! I started over in the snow and worked my way up to the new gang leader! I have thousands of dollars o'me own! I built a house with John Marston! I'm helping his family now!
You fucking slut!
That's right, Harrison Yates! And what have you got?! A basic starter horse and the $20 gambler's hat you won at a poker match! I'm twice the man you are now!
Don't you talk to me like that!
I'll talk however I want! I've completed every hunting side mission! Found seven legendary animals!
Found them where?!
I'm not tellin'! You wanted your now life and now you got it! [walks out of the room]
Maggie! [sits on his knees and breaks down, weeping]
You aren't using this during class time.
It relaxes me. Ask my therapist. I have anxiety, you dumb bitch.
[Stotch house garage, Butters works on his bike making it stand out]
Oh, boy! This is looking so great! [Stephen enters and takes a safety vest from the coat rack by the door] Hey, Dad! The big bike parade is this weekend. How's it look? First prize is $50!
[frustrated] What are you saying, that our family needs cash?! I'm busting my ass trying to make ends meet! You wanna go live with Kim Kardashian?! She's better than me 'cause she's got money?! FUCK YOU, SON! [leaves and slams the door, then walks into the house through the kitchen, enters the living room, and puts on his vest]
Butters really loves that bike parade.
I don't need to be reminded every ten minutes that money's tight. [sighs deeply] I'm sorry. It's just this new job. It can be such a grind.
You work too hard at that place.
Kids these days just don't understand how much their parents break their backs to provide.
Ship to address. Order now. Usually ships in… [irritated] four to six weeks?! I can make my own towels in four to six weeks!
[knocks on door] Mayor, you have a visitor.
Not now, I'm having problems.
[Stan, Kyle, and Cartman walk up to City Hall and burst into the Mayor's office]
Mayor, we demand you cancel the bike parade!
It is nihilistic and out of touch with progressive thinking!
[the executive armchair turns around to reveal Jeff Bezos]
[puts his feet up and communicates telepathically] What's the matter? Afraid you wouldn't win?
It's him.
Hello, Bezos. You can take your fulfillment center and fulfill it right up your ass! You see, there's one thing you didn't count on, and that's Tegridy! [focusing on the townspeople's bloodshot eyes] Just look in the eyes of these people. Everyone has Tegridy now - Tegridy that you will never understand! We aren't just different classes of people anymore! We are a town!
[beat] Are you all high?
No. [the townspeople murmur in agreement] Why do you ask that?
Because I'm over here!
[Everyone is revealed to be facing Bezos' right]
Oh. [walks around the crowd to face Bezos] Hang on. Hold on. Okay. I got it. Anyways. You see Tegridy is something that can't be understood by big corporations. Oh, they'll try to package Tegridy, but only I can really package Tegridy. I got more money now 'cause of Tegridy. That's because I figured out how to get Tegridy to everyone. And that's - now everyone is in this state of Tegridy that's impenetrable. Am I making sense?
NO!
The point is nobody's coming to work for you! So you can take your whole plan and fulfill it somewhere else!
Damn you, Tegridy!!!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's South Park pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
