South Park Season 19 quotes

Welcome to Whistlin' Willy's. Y'all enjoying this pizza?

Look here, my good man, we've been waiting over 15 minutes for you to sing Happy Birthday to our son!

Unfortunately for you, we are both restaurant critics, and so is our son!

(gets an angry face) One-star!

Excuse me! Emergency! [Whistlin' Willy rushes over to see what's up] Over here! Emergency! I would like a table. Inside the area with all the little plastic balls please, and make it snappy I am a food critic for Yelp.

(finally seems to snap as he gets enraged) THAT DOES IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! All you Yelp reviewers, get the hell out of here! I don't care what happens to my business, I ain't kissing yo' asses no more! [moves the male food critic from the table to the double doors on his chair and throws him against the doors] Go on! Every Yelper get the FUCK out of here!!

Careful now, Bill. You don't want a one-star review.

(comes to him) YOU'RE NOT A FOOD CRITIC, DENNIS, YOU'RE A FUCKIN' MECHANIC! NOW, GET THE FUCK OUT!!! GO ON!! ALL YOU YELPING SONS OF BITCHES, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! (Yelpers begin to stream out of the Whistlin' Willy's Restaurant]

You're gonna regret this, Whistlin' Willy. You can't treat Yelpers this way.

You get the f-- GET THE FUCK OUT!!! [kicks the male food critic in the ass for emphasis as the critic goes out the door. He slams the door shut. Gerald shows up a few seconds later.]

Well, good for you.

You too, son of a bitch!

WHOA! HEY! [Whistlin' Willy kicks him out too and slams the door]

Kyle

[annoyed to Cartman when he and the other boys heard the news about Whistlin' Willy's being destroyed by a mob of Yelpers] We all... loved... Whistlin' Willy's.

Cartman

It didn't do well with Yelpers.

Token

[infuriated] You assholes destroyed the best place in town because they wouldn't kiss your asses!

[to the eight Asian girls in the school lobby as they're drawing; holding up a picture of himself pushing Tweek on a swing, and Tweek enjoying it] Uh, excuse me, why are you doing this?

Oh, hi, Craig. [speaking Korean to another Asian girl] He's wearing a different shirt today.

[also speaking Korean] How do you know what's underneath his jacket?

What? What did she say?

I don't know. That was Korean. I'm Japanese.

What is going on, huh?! Me and him aren't together! Why is this happening?!

Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me.

Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay?

What's wrong with being gay? Nothing is wrong with that.

But we aren't! I'm not!

I'm not either!

That is completely irrelevant, okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent.

What's that?

If there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration.

Agh!

Now, in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright?

But I'm not gay!!

I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if—and I'm only saying if—at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you just can't go grabbing for it. Alright? You need to say something like, "Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?" Okay? Let's try it out.

No!

You want two weeks' detention instead? This is important!

[beat] ..Craig, can I touch your penis?

Okay, good. Now Craig, you might say, "You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that." [Craig stays still for a long beat] Or, of course, you could say, "No, you may not touch my penis at this time."

No, you may not!

Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole?

You got a fuckin' problem, man?! [shoves Tweek]

You're the one with the fuckin' problem! [shoves Craig in return]

I told you to stay 100 yards from me!

You better not fucking push me again, man!

[holding some flowers as Liane answers the door] Hi. Flower delivery for Eric Cartman.

Oh my, how beautiful! [signs for them and gives them to her son] Ooh, look, sweetie. Someone sent you flowers.

Cartman

[reading a note that came with them] "Can't we just try? Tee Hee." [figures out it was Cupid Me who sent the flowers to him] Oh, man.

Who are they from, hon?

Cartman

Someone who needs a real talking to.

I went through your phone when we went out last night, Craig. I saw your text to Michael about hooking up with him!

Wait, uh, that's, that's not what happened.

Oh, it's not?!

No. Uh, look, we both know this is for the better.

Oh, don't use that lame shit on me, man! You don't wanna feel bad, so you try and tell me what I want?

Wait, don't make me out to be the bad guy here.

[tearing up; voice cracks] No-ho, you're not the bad guy! You're never the bad guy, are you?! You, you just step on people and you use them!

You're going too far, dude. This is like, totally not necessary.

I'm going too far?! What is wrong with you?!

This wasn't part of the plan!

Well, guess what, Craig?! Love doesn't follow a plan!

Butters

Yeah!

I was totally wrong about you. I opened myself up and let you in. But you've got spikes, man. You've got spikes.

[standing in front of the doorway of the Tucker residence as Thomas answers] Hi, is Craig here, sir?

Why can't you quit him.

Thomas.

Five minutes. He's in the back.

This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady. People are tired of the police not being held accountable for their actions.

Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman or a bomb—

You shot an unarmed six-year-old Latino child!

..I'm sorry!

You are fired.

[beat] No, Mayor, please! This is all I know! I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember? Bob, I-I used to chase away the sixth graders for you!

You're from another time, Barbrady, and the last thing that needs to go. Your gun and your badge. [Barbrady slowly takes his gun and badge and lays them on the table] And your sunglasses.

No, please, not my sunglasses!

You're DONE, Barbrady. The town doesn't want you here.

[then takes off his sunglasses, opens his eyes after he puts them down] Where should I go?

You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican.

Latino-American.

Latino-American. Shit!

[stands up] You should go away. You don't belong anywhere in a town as progressive as this one.

Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!

Why are they all suddenly coming here? [Gerald and Sheila arrive]

Mayor, what are you going to do about this?! My wife and I can barely eat or shop!

When a town like ours has a homeless problem, it must look at the root of what's causing it.

[arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!

What?!

There's these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over Sodomy, forced all the homeless out!

Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?!

They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!

What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja, and you pull your gun on them?!

Davíd Rodriguez was lucky to live!

Everybody told me they were terrorists!

We thought they were! But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out!

But, you said you needed me to kill some kids.

Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said "Kill some kids?"

I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times.

Do you even know what "farm to table" means?

[reads school paper in bed] Wow. Wow, this is so great. Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There's no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on. Just news stories about what's happening. Did you know that the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? Do you know long it's been since I was able to just sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet. But I feel like I'm always trying to chase the news somehow. [sets paper down] It's like... I'm in a black void, trying to reach the news story. [sees himself running in a void of content] But then the next thing I know I'm reading an ad for Gieco. So I click out of that and try to read the news story but it's not a news story, it's a slideshow! And I'm looking at the "Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Jobs Ever". So of course I want to see the next line of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow, but then the arrow wasn't the arrow for the next slide, it was to take me to an ad for face cream. Haugh! I wanted to get a news story, but I'm reading about face cream and I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me, it's-it's following me all over the screen!! Nooo! So I click on the close button, but it wasn't a close button, it was another slideshow, and I just want to know what's happening in the Middle East, but instead, I'm looking at the "Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time", and that's not the arrow for the next slide, it's another ad! Aaagh!! [comes back to reality] But this... this is just news. And I don't get lost in all the bull shoot. [sees Linda focusing on her smartphone] Linda? LINDA!!

Hello. You're the boy responsible for the South Park Super School News?

Jimmy

That's right.

We would like to give you $26 million. Contracts, and the first check. We'd love to be in business with you.

Jimmy

What is this for?

I represent an organization called Gieco. It's an insurance company. We think Super School News would be a great way for us to reach new customers.

Jimmy

Sorry Charlie, but I don't allow ads in my newspaper.

We've heard all about that, so we thought you could just do some ...news stories about car insurance. Just state the facts, because the truth is, everyone can save by switching to Gieco.

Jimmy

That's called "sponsored content." I know the difference between the news and ads. Do you think I'm stupid?

Everyone's doing it, Jim. You're sort of the last holdout. $26 million just to write some news stories that get people thinking about their insurance coverage?

Jimmy

Us us us, stick it up your ass!

Hm. Well, they said you'd be tough. Do you really think you can stop ads?

Jimmy

Yes.

You can try to block ads, but they get smarter. The more we try to shut them out, the more clever they get. There's a war coming, kid, and I'm gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. [gets shot in the back of his head and killed by Officer Barbrady]

Jimmy

Officer Barbrady?

Come with me if you want to live! Come on! Come with me if you want to live! I'm serious!

Do you want to explain to me what "pussy crushing" is?

What?

Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice?! It's just a way to pick up on young women?!

Sh-Sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, alright? You know how college kids are.

I don't want you going over there anymore!

I don't cheat on you, Sharon! I'm happy. Look at what's happened to our town. We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants and artisan shops. We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here, and everyone is being aware of how they talk. This is paradise, Sharon!

McKinsey, you got consent forms?

Oh, yeah! Right here, bro! [hands consent forms to him]

Rise and shine, guys! If you scored last night, I'll need your consent forms! [the bros hand over their forms] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you—whoa! Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There's a different release form, bro.

Yeah, uh, s-sorry, it's right here.

Nice.

[runs to PC Principal Peter Charles] Bro!! Aw, dude, bro!! Peter Charles!

What, bro? Bro! Robert! You're here! Aw! It's so good to see you. Tell me what happened.

Dude, I scored with this female and after consenting to putting her mouth on my penis, she wanted me to walk her home.

Yeah?

And when I got to her house she had me meet her father who is Filipino, so I asked him if he could tell me about their cultural and social dynamic to being a Filipino-American.

Naturally.

So he said some stuff, and then the newspaper landed on his doorstep, 'cause I guess her dad subscribes to the school newspaper, and he picked it up and I saw the headline said this! [he shows the paper to PC Principal Peter Charles which headline reads "'PC' STANDS FOR PUSSY CRUSHING"; he grabs paper]

What the heck is this, bro?

Peter Charles Bro, that little kid wrote that our tolerant views and fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss!

THAT'S NOT TRUE!!

I KNOW, Peter Charles BRO!!! WE'RE BEING TOTALLY VICTIMIZED!!!

I KNOW THAT LITTLE SUCKER, DUDE!!!