[Homer is sitting in a nuclear inspection van]
MNMale NRC agent
Homer, this is an exact replica of your work station.
MNMale NRC agent
Now, we're going to simulate a power surge in core sector eight.
What the hell are you talking about?
[The agents slam the door of the van shut, and slide open a peephole to watch Homer]
[blubbering] What do I do? What do I do? In the name of God, you've gotta tell me!
MNMale NRC agent
Relax! It's just a simulator. Nothing can go wrong.
[to himself] Just poke blindly at the controls until they let you go.
[Homer shields his eyes and pushes random buttons, inexplicably causing a meltdown]
MNMale NRC agent
No, no! This... can't be happening!
[Smithers and Mr. Burns run to an escape pod. Burns seals the door; Smithers desperately pounds on it]
For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!
[reopens the door] I like to put my feet up.
[Homer emerges from the crater, glowing a radioactive green.]
Raargh! Must... destroy... mankind! [his watch beeps] Ooh, lunchtime. [Homer shakes off the radiation and walks off]
MNMale NRC agent
I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!
Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.
MNMale NRC agent
The box, the box!
FNFemale NRC agent
Look, Burns, this is a big problem. You can't just throw money at it and make it go away.
[Mayor Quimby appears, wearing a fur coat that still has the $5,000 price tag attached to it.]
Gentlemen, I've decided there will be, uh, no investigation. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll go away. [departs]
MNMale NRC agent
You're in big trouble, Burns. Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.
Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... dropping the charges.
[Burns presses a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens a few feet behind the NRC agents, who stare at it in confusion.]
The painters moved your desk, sir.
You [Homer] must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.
Actually sir we found the Jade Monkey; it was in your glove compartment.
And the road maps and ice scraper?
They were in there too sir.
Excellent, it's all falling into place.
[Homer, Bart and the nerds have captured Sir Oinkcelot]
Look! You pull its tail straight and it curls right back up again! [He begins pulling the pig's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [Sir Oinkcelot starts squealing in agony]
Mr. Simpson, I don't think he likes that.
Of course he does! He's a cute little piggy! [Continues pulling Sir Oinkcelot's tail] Curly, straight! Curly, straight! [The pig viciously bites Homer on his hand] OW!! [turns red with anger] WHY YOU LITTLE...! [Homer lunges at Sir Oinkcelot, but Bart and the nerds restrain him]
Hello, Dean? You're a stupid-head!
PPeterson
[looks out the window] Homer, is that you?
[Homer screams and flees the payphone]
YES! Take that, Bitterman!
[sees Snake Jailbird] Hey, that's not the wallet inspector.
PProfessor
Good morning, and welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying: "Out with the old, in with the nucleus" [Every student in the class except Homer bursts out with laughter] Now, let's just get started on the- whoops. [He drops his lecture notes, this time Homer explodes with laughter]
Oh, did you see that jerk! He dropped his notes! [Homer continues laughing obnoxiously loud]
Bobo? Oh I meant Lobo, uh, Sheriff Lobo. They never should have cancelled that show. What were they thinking?
Oh, I see. On another topic, the preparations for your birthday have begun.
I won't get what I really want.
[Smithers briefly imagines Burns popping out of a cake naked and wearing only a sash like Marilyn Monroe]
FBFantasy Mr. Burns
[singing] Happy Birthday, Mr. Smithers...
[At the Simpsons' house, Homer is tossing and turning in his sleep]
Lobo...Lobo... Bring back Sheriff Lobo!
[Homer is doing comedy at Burns' party.]
MIMan in Audience
Ugh, that poor dog.
I said, are you ready to laugh?!
WIWoman in Audience
Quiet, you awful man!
You know, Mr. Burns is so cheap--
Er, I mean you know, Mr. Burns is so old--
[pounds the table] How dare you!
Whoa! Tough crowd. Better bring out the big guns... [clears throat] Here's an impression of Mr. Burns that you might find, a little "cheeky".
[Homer moons the crowd, revealing a face painted on his buttocks; everyone in the audience gasps]
[mockingly] I'm Mr. Burns, blah, blah, blah! Do this, do that, blah, blah, blah! I think I'm so big, blah blah blaaah!
Destroy him. [one of Burns' security staff whacks Homer over the head with a baton, leaving him unconscious] This party is over. [the security staff start attacking other party guests at random]
[After Mr. Burns' party, Homer is nursing the lump on his head he got during his comedy act at Burns' party]
Aw, where did I lose 'em? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.
I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.
Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.
Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged, but please, don't deny the world your fat can.
Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.
[Smithers and Mr. Burns are crawling across the ceiling of the Simpson home, using suction cups. They freeze when Homer walks to the refrigerator]
Mmmm... 64 slices of American cheese. [sits at the table and begins eating one at a time] 64...63...[Time passes to morning] 2...1.
[entering] Have you been up all night eating cheese?
[Smithers and Mr. Burns fall the the floor and get up]
[They both leave]
BDBarney The Dinosaur
Two plus two is four... two plus two is four... two plus two is four.
Hehehe. I can see why this is so popular.
[first lines]
[walking in front of a set of paintings] Paintings: Lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to hell! So scary and horrible...
[Devil Ned has give Homer an enchanted doughnut.]
Now, remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...
[Homer has already scarfed the doughnut, except for one small piece.]
Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?
Well, technically, no, but...
[sing-song] I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev--
[Devil Ned angrily transforms into a huge, red demon.]
[deep voice] YOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN ME! I'LL SEE YOU IN HELL YET, HOMER SIMPSON!!
[He vanishes into the floor. Homer smugly puts the last doughnut piece into his pocket.]
