The Simpsons · Season 5
[In Hell Labs Ironic Punishment Division, Homer is strapped to a chair where a blue demon arrives]
So, you like donuts, eh?
Uh-huh.
Well! Have all the donuts in the world!
[He starts laughing as Homer is force fed donuts. 15 minutes later, it's revealed that this torture has backfired as Homer still hasn't had enough.]
More.
I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in 15 minutes.
I give you the Jury of the Damned: Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon.
But I’m not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.
Hey, listen, I did a favor for you.
Yes, master.
John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger. And the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.
Alright Simpson, you get your soul back. But let that ill-gotten doughnut be FOREVER ON YOUR HEAD!!!
[screams]
[sees a school bus inside the painting] The School Bus? Oh, they must mean The Ghoul Bus!
Nope, says right there: [points the painting and reads it] "School Bus".
[sees a gremlin on the school bus during a trip and screams] Everybody! There's a monster on the side of the bus!
[horrified at the Dogs Playing Poker painting] They're dogs, and they're playing poker!
[The Simpsons arrive at Mr. Burns' castle. Homer rings the doorbell.]
[via intercom] Welcome, come in. [sinisterly, still heard on intercom] Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.
Sir, you have to let go of the button.
Oh, son of a bi-- [door opens]
BART! How many times have I told you not to bite your sis— Wait a minute! You ARE a vampire!
QUICK!! We have to kill the boy!!
How'd you know he's a vampire?
He's a vampire? [screams]
We've got to do something! Today, he's drinking people's blood - tomorrow, he could be smoking!
[The Simpsons arrive at Mr. Burns's crypt. Homer opens his casket and is ready to stake him.]
Take that, vile fiend! [starts staking Burns repeatedly]
Uh, dad? That's his crotch.
Oh.. sorry. [puts stake to his heart] BAH!!
[screams]
[He quivers then stops and melts into mold]
[relieved] Aah...
[comes back to life] YOU'RE FIRED!!! [melts into mold and dies again]
D'OH!
Homer, this is never easy to say, I'm going have to saw your arms off.
They'll grow back, right?
Oh...yeah.
Whew.
[the rescue worker starts the rotary saw and moves it toward Homer's arm]
Homer, are you just holding on to the can?
Your point being?
[Homer leaves with everyone laughing at him]
You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter.
[suspicious] Wait a second... [pulls a card from his pocket: "ALWAYS DO OPPOSITE OF WHAT BART SAYS"] Hmm...you kids do need a babysitter.
Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] Don't give that card to me.
Here you g-- [pulls back] No!
Mr. Simpson, I was just going through your garbage, when I couldn't help but overhear you are in need of a babysitter. Now, as a highly-skilled attorney, my fee is $175 an hour.
We pay $8.00 for the night and you can take two Popsicles out of the freezer.
Three.
Two.
Okay, two, and I get to keep this old birdcage.
Done.
[to himself] Still got it!
Look. You can see our houses.
Hmm. There's an awful lot of black smoke coming from my chimney.
(cut to the Simpsons living room. Lionel Hutz is throwing piles of his personal effects into the fireplace while Bart and Lisa watch)
Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all your personal papers?
As of this moment, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. (cheerfully): Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!
[Bart and Lisa wake up the next day on the couch]
Hey, it's morning and Mom and Dad aren't home yet.
Don't worry. Mr. Hutz is still here to take care of us.
[Lisa budges Lionel Hutz awake. He growls menacingly and brandishes a knife]
[defensively] Don't touch my stuff! [realizes that he just scared Bart, Lisa, and Maggie; sheepishly, as he sits on the couch with a confused expression on his face] H-Hey, this isn't the YMCA.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
