Doesn't your father ever read to you?
He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.
“The Ziff Who Came to Dinner” · Season 15, Episode 14
In this episode: Artie Ziff (3), Homer Simpson (2), Marge Simpson (2), Lisa Simpson (2), Snake Jailbird (1)
Refuse to answer on the grounds that I what?!?
LLawyer
[whispers to Homer]
Inseminate myself? [to the Senate committee while pointing at his lawyer] Dudes, I think this guy's coming onto me.
LLawyer
You, sir, are a moron!
A mormon? But I'm from Earth!
My husband's going to jail and it's all your fault! Do you know why no one likes you?
Anti-semitism?
No. Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself!
Marge! I think about a lot more than just moi. [In his thought bubble, a can-can kickline of Artie Ziffs appears]
AZArtie Ziff can-can dancers
Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie...
[Then a whole audience of Artie Ziffs, clapping to the music appears as well]
AZArtie Ziff audience
Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff!
Oh... My... God. She's right.
[As Artie is going to prison] I have to admit. I'll miss having him around.
[Chuckles] I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.
[Snake walks up to Artie]
Yo, hobbit! I'm, like, your roommate. [Blows cigarette smoke in Artie's face]
Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. [Pulls out a spray bottle, dousing Snake's cigarette] Squirt, squirt, squirt! Your lungs will thank me!
Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.
[Artie notices more prisoners smoking]
Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you! [He douses their cigarettes, too] Squirt, squirt, squirt! [The other inmates get up and start circling around him] That's it! Circle around me! Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt! Squirt, squirt, squirt! Oh, I'm gonna need more water!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Simpsons pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.