Artie Ziff quotes from The Simpsons

Artie

Doesn't your father ever read to you?

Lisa

He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still searching for that chocolate factory. It consumes him.

Marge

My husband's going to jail and it's all your fault! Do you know why no one likes you?

Artie

Anti-semitism?

Marge

No. Your problem is you never think of anyone besides yourself!

Artie

Marge! I think about a lot more than just moi. [In his thought bubble, a can-can kickline of Artie Ziffs appears]

Artie, Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie, Artie! Artie, Artie...

Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff, Ziff!

Artie

Oh... My... God. She's right.

Lisa

[As Artie is going to prison] I have to admit. I'll miss having him around.

Homer

[Chuckles] I don't think we've seen the last of Artie Ziff.

Yo, hobbit! I'm, like, your roommate. [Blows cigarette smoke in Artie's face]

Artie

Oh, smoker, eh? Well, I have ways of dealing with you. [Pulls out a spray bottle, dousing Snake's cigarette] Squirt, squirt, squirt! Your lungs will thank me!

Marge

Kids, you better take your last look at Uncle Artie.

Artie

Oh, look! There's a whole bunch of you! [He douses their cigarettes, too] Squirt, squirt, squirt! [The other inmates get up and start circling around him] That's it! Circle around me! Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt! Squirt, squirt, squirt! Oh, I'm gonna need more water!

Homer

I'm here to take my life back!

Artie Ziff

I thought this might happen. So I mastered Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Crawl atop me and meet your doom!

Homer

Not so fast! Say hello the United Federation of Homers Through History!